G-Force

January 2, 2011

I will never, EVER, complain about The Squeakquel again.

Compared to G-Force, The Squeakquel is like the Citizen Kane of CGI rodent shenanigans movies. Zach Galifianakis plays a “scientist” that leads a band of secret agent guinea pigs…stop laughing, I’m not making this up! The secret agent guinea pigs are trying to save the world from being taken over by killer espresso machines…no, I’m not smoking fucking reefer! The guinea pigs have been lied to and think they are genetically engineered, but they’re really just regular guinea pigs that can talk, use computers and drive tiny motorcycles…on second thought, maybe I would have enjoyed it with some reefer.

I’m wondering if David Cross and Patton Oswalt put a bug in Zach’s ear… “Psst…just one shitty kid movie…just one…you’ve just bought yourself a summer cottage, my man…” I guess I can’t blame him…money is money.

I got halfway through the movie before I realized that Penelope Cruz was voicing the female guinea pig, not Salma Hayek. Sam Rockwell, Tracy Morgan and Jon Favreau voiced the rest, plus Nicolas Cage as the mole. Meh. I don’t care enough about any of them to question their artistic integrity.

The worst part? Almost the entire soundtrack was The Black Eyed Peas. Every action sequence was punctuated by ‘Boom Boom Pow.’ That song fucking sucks my soul out through my belly button every fucking time I hear it. I was disappointed that they couldn’t find a way to use ‘My Humps’ – isn’t that the classiest song ever written?

I think I peed a little when I got to delete this shitty movie from my DVR.