The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

Even though it’s only February, I’m going to go ahead and call it – Sponge Out of Water is the most terrifying film of the year. Why? It has a fucking talking dolphin in it. I fucking hate dolphins. They are the Bill Cosby of the ocean world, trying to lure unwitting swimmers into their […]

The Lego Movie

Everything is awesome! Actually…the only thing about The Lego Movie that’s not awesome is the song, “Everything is Awesome” – because that song has been stuck in my head for weeks on end. It’s the only thing I hear. Maybe I shouldn’t have switched my ringtone from “What Does the Fox Say?” to “Everything is […]

Gnomeo & Juliet

You may not know this, but my backyard is full of garden gnomes. The pink flamingos are packed away in the garage, as the evil HOA guidelines specifically prohibits plastic lawn ornaments. But there’s also a gargoyle on the birdbath and a three foot tall lady statue. Needless to say, if all the statues in […]

Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax

I didn’t think that there could be a worse adaptation of a Dr. Seuss book than Horton Hears a Who! Oh, I was so wrong… I don’t remember if I was in kindergarten or first grade, but I remember sitting in the music room, watching the original 70s version of The Lorax. All I remember […]

Toy Story 3

The first time I saw Toy Story 3, I totally started crying when Andy finally handed Woody over to Bonnie. Even now, roughly 537 viewings later, I still get all weepy at the end…so weepy that I get paranoid that I need to take a pregnancy test or something. Lots of people cry during movies […]

How to Train Your Dragon

I couldn’t get past the accents. All the adult Vikings have Scottish accents, but Hiccup sounded plain, old American? Actually, ALL the Viking kids sounded American. DreamWorks, you puzzle me. Wait a goddamned minute…shouldn’t all the Vikings have Scandinavian accents? Maybe I’m pissy because of my Scandinavian ancestry, or maybe it’s just because I like […]

Rango

Drugs. Watching Rango made me feel like I was on a large quantity of psychedelic drugs. I’m not just saying that because Raoul Duke and the Great Red Shark made a cameo…although it helped. The whole film had a dark and trippy feel. It’s like the plot was a peyote fever dream left over after […]

Shrek Forever After

I felt so uncomfortable watching the beginning of this film with my kids…what if they knew that I feel like Shrek sometimes? As far as I know, my son is no junior psychotherapist…he didn’t pick up any tension as I squirmed in my seat, commiserating with Shrek’s plight. What parent doesn’t reminisce about how cool […]

Toy Story

Can you believe that I have never seen Toy Story before now? You CAN’T believe it? You think I’m fucking lying? Why would I lie about that? What do I have to gain by admitting that I hadn’t seen the single, most important piece of Computer Animation until 15 years after its initial release? Well…FUUUUUUUUUCK […]

G-Force

I will never, EVER, complain about The Squeakquel again. Compared to G-Force, The Squeakquel is like the Citizen Kane of CGI rodent shenanigans movies. Zach Galifianakis plays a “scientist” that leads a band of secret agent guinea pigs…stop laughing, I’m not making this up! The secret agent guinea pigs are trying to save the world […]