Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2

 

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I’ve done it! I’ve watched all of the Infinity Saga films…Well, technically, Far from Home was the last one that I watched, but whatever…

My husband took the kids to go see it in the theater – I don’t exactly remember why I didn’t go see GotG2 with them…I probably wanted to take a nap. Even though it was a fun film, I stand beside my nap decision.

I want to like Chris Pratt so bad…but then an article comes out about his membership in an anti-LGBT church or his bizarro biblical diets or wearing highly offensive alt-right T-shirts…and I just cringe. Sigh. I truly enjoy him as Starlord, but I feel guilty about it, because he appears to be a major douche in real life.

Only Kurt Russell would impregnate someone behind a Dairy Queen – and look like a sexy beast doing it. His de-aging was beautiful – I am trying to think of Kurt Russell in 1980. The Thing was 1982, pretty close.

I feel like the arc with Gamora and Nebula really made me understand their dynamic in Infinity War a lot better. As in Ant-Man and the Wasp, viewing was REQUIRED to understand Endgame, but it added to the experience.

I almost think that I liked Vol. 2 more than Vol. 1 – is that the consensus? Or is it because of “The Hof”? The world may never know. (They know.) I am 200% OBSESSED with the video for Guardians Inferno by The Sneepers (AKA James Gunn & pals). I’ve watched it about 100 times and you should, too.

Sherlock Gnomes

 

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Shhhhh, no one tell my kids that I watched this without them.

Will someone PLEASE explain to me what the concept behind this film is? I mean, I understand that the yard statues come to life and have little adventures and shit…but WHAT is Sherlock Gnomes? He doesn’t appear to be yard art, so is he an action figure? A leprechaun or something? I don’t understand why he is tasked with keeping track of London’s gnome population. I mean, I guess he is a gnome, too? But why?

I also don’t understand why Johnny Depp was cast as Sherlock Gnomes. Why do children need to be subjected to his lame fake British accent, when they could’ve just hired a British actor?

And what was the point of Mary J. Blige? Why?

The only part that truly made me smile was the scene in the Chinese knick knack shop, because I have most of the tchotchkes depicted there.

This was not a very good film, utterly lacking the heart of the original. The message was supposed to be about taking people for granted, but the message was too ham-handed for a child to really understand.

Aquaman

 

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I’m not sure which one of us started it, but my son and I have been calling this movie ‘Wet Thor’ for months and months. On the surface, the comparison between the two is obvious – long-haired, built like a god, kinda dumb. Once I’d finished the film though, my opinion had changed – it’s not ‘Wet Thor’, it’s ‘Wet Panther’.

There are so many more similarities between the ascension of Aquaman and Black Panther’s battles against Killmonger. Of course, Aquaman is the interloper, not the crown prince, but you get where I’m going. Atlantis is a technologically advanced secret world, hiding right under our noses – kinda like Wakanda. There are several warring tribes in Atlantis, just like Wakanda. Neither world has a Starbucks, either – just saying…

Just as Black Panther has a strong woman by his side in Nakia (or two if you count Okoye), Aquaman has Mera. I was expecting to hate Amber Heard, but she wasn’t as annoying as I thought she would be. I mean – she’s not a particularly good actress, but she isn’t horrible. I loved her hair so much that I died my hair the same shade of red the very same day we saw the film. (What, you don’t keep a rainbow of hair dye in your bathroom like I do?)

Aquaman’s dad is Boba Fett’s dad! They are brothers!

De-aging was used A LOT in this film. Yes, it was cute how they made Aquaman’s parents look younger in the prologue – makes sense. The REAL SCIENCE though, was how they made Willem Dafoe look young and sexy again. It was The Last Temptation of Vulko.

There was one part of the film that divided our family completely – the octopus playing the bongos. While my husband thought it was completely cheesy and ridiculous, the rest of us liked it. My daughter even said it was her favorite part! (The low point for me was when they ended up in Jurassic World – no spoilers, but that part was bullshit.)

Ultimately, Aquaman succeeds because of its complete separation from the rest of the Justice League. The only threats were encapsulated in Aquaman’s world – no need to get the rest of thise assholes involved. Kudos to James Wan! Can we just keep getting goid standalone feautures like Wonder Woman and Aquaman, instead the trainwreck DC ensembles?

On a side noteotee, previews were mostly ones I’d seen – Avengers: Endgame, the Hellboy reboot (as much as I love Ron Perlman’s Hellboy, I ain’t even mad about this reboot), The Lego Movie 2 – but I had not see the one for Detective Pikachu. As the only one in my household who is not a Pokemaster, I know I wouldn’t get even half of the film…but it still looks kinda cute. This summer is gonna get expensive!

Shrek Forever After

I felt so uncomfortable watching the beginning of this film with my kids…what if they knew that I feel like Shrek sometimes?

As far as I know, my son is no junior psychotherapist…he didn’t pick up any tension as I squirmed in my seat, commiserating with Shrek’s plight. What parent doesn’t reminisce about how cool they were before they had kids? Before responsibility, before potty training and homework, before mortgages and swimming lessons and time outs and smoochies…can’t forget about the slobbery, wet booger smoochies.

Shrek just wants to get away from the stresses of family life for a little while and ends up making some REALLY bad decisions that put him in jeopardy of losing not only his family, but his life. It’s like The Hangover for kindergartners, with a bit of It’s a Wonderful Life on the side. Notwithstanding the movies, I’ve seen people pull this shit in real life, too. The girl I know who decided her husband wasn’t letting her live her life, so she ditched him and her toddlers and shacked up with a 20-something still living with his parents. All of the fucking skeevy old men (and a few women) I work with that fuck anything that moves. Casey Anthony, for fuck’s sake. The planet is full of folks that ditch their familial responsibilities, for just a few hours or days…or forever in some recently shocking cases.

Several months ago, I had the chance to skip town for a ‘girls weekend.’ We could do ANYTHING we wanted – like Shrek, we were free to go scare the villagers. We could do a shitload of drugs and drive down Central Expressway naked, steal signs and traffic cones, go watch (probably gay) men dance naked, make movies about how much we love cigarettes and sea monkeys, dress like an Indian and chase frat boys with knives, or even go pick up underage dudes working at Taco Bell. (All totally hypothetical examples that I know NOTHING about. Maybe.) We could basically do all of the AWESOME things we used to do before we had kids. You know what we did? We ate fast food…a lot…and farted…a lot. We drank a few beers and talked about our kids…and talked shit about other peoples’ kids. We said the words “fuck” and “shit” with freedom…and that’s it. That’s all we did. It wasn’t even a fear of cops or car crashes or herpes or YouTube or husbands that kept us in check…that crazy shit just takes too much energy. Plus, we’ve already done a bunch of crazy ridiculous shit, so we would have to think of NEW crazy ridiculous shit to do…and if you have to plan it, it’s not all that crazy. Don’t get me wrong, we had a blast…but we weren’t exactly scaring any villagers…maybe if we had encountered Rumpelstiltskin, our weekend would have been different. Then again, we probably would have kept our families and asked for unsaggy boobs or a house that cleaned itself.

Back to the film…Shrek has a tantrum and stomps out of his kids’ 1st birthday party. He is promptly roofied by Rumpelstiltskin and signs his old life away. He has a lot of fun at first, until he realizes that his old life doesn’t exist anymore.

Of course, by the end of the film, Shrek gets Fiona to fall in love with him again and things go back to normal. That’s the thing about magic…it’s an easy fix for problems in the land of Far, Far Away. If I got roofied by a midget and ditched my family, I’d be pretty fucked.

Is this supposed to be the last one? Isn’t a Puss in Boots about to come out? When is Mike Myers gonna do something not Shrek related?

  

Sharktopus

Sharktopus fucking tried to eat me!

Sharktopus is not picky.

Sharktopus will eat sharks, old boat painters, bungee jumpers, surfer dudes, Volkswagens…Sharktopus is nasty! Sharktopus just doesn’t give a fuck.

Sharktopus escapes from a Navy funded super-secret genetic lab in Long Beach. Sharktopus wants a fucking vacation, so Sharktopus heads to Puerto Vallarta. Crazy, nasty ass Sharktopus wants some Mexican food.

Sharktopus will walk on land, Sharktopus don’t care. Sharktopus WILL eat your whole fucking boat. Thanks for the meal, stupid.

Sharktopus says Eric Roberts looked fucking high as a kite. “I’m not fucking eating that,” says Sharktopus. (Sharktopus must have been made before his stint on Celebrity Rehab.)

Sharktopus even has its own fucking theme song! Sharktopus will be back, nothing stops the crazy, nasty-ass Sharktopus.

G-Force

I will never, EVER, complain about The Squeakquel again.

Compared to G-Force, The Squeakquel is like the Citizen Kane of CGI rodent shenanigans movies. Zach Galifianakis plays a “scientist” that leads a band of secret agent guinea pigs…stop laughing, I’m not making this up! The secret agent guinea pigs are trying to save the world from being taken over by killer espresso machines…no, I’m not smoking fucking reefer! The guinea pigs have been lied to and think they are genetically engineered, but they’re really just regular guinea pigs that can talk, use computers and drive tiny motorcycles…on second thought, maybe I would have enjoyed it with some reefer.

I’m wondering if David Cross and Patton Oswalt put a bug in Zach’s ear… “Psst…just one shitty kid movie…just one…you’ve just bought yourself a summer cottage, my man…” I guess I can’t blame him…money is money.

I got halfway through the movie before I realized that Penelope Cruz was voicing the female guinea pig, not Salma Hayek. Sam Rockwell, Tracy Morgan and Jon Favreau voiced the rest, plus Nicolas Cage as the mole. Meh. I don’t care enough about any of them to question their artistic integrity.

The worst part? Almost the entire soundtrack was The Black Eyed Peas. Every action sequence was punctuated by ‘Boom Boom Pow.’ That song fucking sucks my soul out through my belly button every fucking time I hear it. I was disappointed that they couldn’t find a way to use ‘My Humps’ – isn’t that the classiest song ever written?

I think I peed a little when I got to delete this shitty movie from my DVR.

Howard the Duck

For the second movie night, my son was given a choice between Space Chimps and Howard the Duck – Howard the Duck won. While I giggled with glee, my husband just groaned.

Holy shit, this movie was worse than I remembered. Like The Pirate Movie, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band and Earth Girls are Easy, Howard the Duck is one of those films that I loved as a kid, but are embarrassingly bad in retrospect. Our mother must have really loved us to take us to theater to see Howard the Duck. Her ability to fall asleep within 5 minutes of entering a darkened theater must have really come in handy during films like this.

Howard the Duck is from a parallel universe in which the prevalent life form evolved from ducks. Howard gets sucked out of his universe and dropped in Cleveland, Ohio. He gets taken in by Beverly, a singer in a rock band, but they get in a big ass fight after she brings him to her wannabe scientist/janitor friend, Phil, and he starts plucking his ass feathers for experiments. Howard then gets a job in a Jerk Joint, cleaning used condoms out of hot tubs, but runs back to Beverly after that doesn’t work out. Just as Beverly is about to sexually assault Howard, the scientists return with promises of sending him back to his own universe.

Howard the Duck toes the line when it comes to bestiality – he never gets to consummate his relationship with Beverly. It would take almost 9 years for comic book bestiality to return to the big screen with Tank Girl and her relationship with a mutant half dog, half kangaroo super soldier and even then, the sexual relationship was seriously downplayed…come on, it’s just a movie! Loosen up…this is hardly Caligula.

We actually haven’t gotten to finish watching Howard the Duck yet. My son got severely freaked out when the scientist got possessed by the dark overlords and he demanded that we turn it off. He was crying, so I took him seriously at the time, but I guess it’s possible that he put one over on us and figured that crying was the only way to get Mommy and Daddy to turn this stupid shitty movie off?

Next up…Batman.

Bee Movie

Jerry Seinfeld brings children a movie about “bee-stiality.”

Oh, come on, it was funny! Don’t you appreciate puns?

Bee Movie is one of the worst films that I have been subjected to (recently) through my children. It’s simply horrible and full of misinformation about simple ecological processes. Plants don’t just die when they are not pollinated – they won’t produce viable seeds, but they won’t wither and die. I can overlook the talking bee, the romantic relationship between a human and an insect, the Ray Liotta Brand Honey – all fantastical elements for a kids cartoon, but the least Jerry could do was go to the library, check out a book on flowers and read up on how they reproduce. Also, maybe read a book on bees? (And Mosquitoes – the male ones don’t bite, unless of course it’s a MANSQUITO.) Maybe if I hadn’t watched Green Porno like a hundred times, I wouldn’t be so offended.

Maybe if I liked Jerry Seinfeld more, I would have been able to tolerate Bee Movie. I can’t quite put me finger on it – he just bugs. (Yes, another pun!) His show did nothing for me and these days, all he does is pimp himself out for the highest bidder. Since he just got fired from Microsoft, who is he going to shill for next?

The one scene I liked was Barry calling Sting to the stand during his court case against the human race. Poor Sting was subpoenaed and taken from his home, just as he was preparing for tantric sex – damn those bees!

My son has all the Bee Movie Happy Meal toys. I am going to sneak into his room while he’s asleep and throw them all away.

DreamWorks, please go away and stop making substandard computer animated feature films for our children! There can be only one – and that’s PIXAR.

 

Shrek the Third

“Willy Wonka” might be about to lose his place as my son’s favorite movie. “Shrek Babies” was the overwhelming favorite over the holidays.

My son was the fortunate recipient of all three Shrek movies, courtesy of Grandpa and Grandma. I tried to go the logical route and start him off watching Shrek, but he was having none of it. He demanded that I take it out of the DVD player immediately and put in “Shrek Babies.” As far as I know, he’s never seen Shrek the Third, but I guess there’s a chance he’s seen it at daycare. (Although every fucking time I walk in the door, they’re watching High School Musical, so I doubt it.) I’m not sure how to explain his obsession and preference for “Shrek Babies.” Has advertising gotten so laser focused that they have figured out how to penetrate the mind of a two year old? I know he’s seen about a jillion TV commercials for the DVD – the first time he saw one, he looked at me and said, “I want to see that.” I guess I should just brace myself for the onslaught of commercial induced begging and pleading now….

Although arguing the point with my son would do little good, I feel obligated to point out that “Shrek Babies” is a bit of a misnomer when it comes to this film. The aforementioned “Shrek Babies” only appear for about 5 minutes – so disappointing! Personally, I am much more fond of the “Drongkey Babies” that appear much more often in the film. Partially because they are cuter, but mostly because every time they appear, my mind wanders to the astronomically confusing physics that must have been necessary for Donkey and Dragon to bump uglies. Or are they the result of some mad magician’s crazy IVF experiments? The mind boggles at the possibilities…

Justin Timberlake is meh…his performance is not even noticeable – they should’ve hired the guy who played Napoleon Dynamite. There’s only one thing he’s good for…dick in a box!

Although I enjoyed Shrek the Third as much as the first and second ones – they’re starting to get a bit formulaic. Is Dreamworks really going to keep spitting these out every three years?

   

Shrek 2

How do a donkey and a dragon have sex? I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around that one. Seriously, I cannot figure it out.

On to less disturbing subjects…Shrek 2 picks up immediately after the end of Shrek with Shrek and Fiona’s honeymoon. (Okay, maybe implied Ogre-sex on the beach isn’t less disturbing.) Just as Shrek is kicking Donkey to the curb in order to get some more hot Ogre lovin’, the newlyweds receive an invite to visit Fiona’s parents, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. Disappointed in his new Son-in-Law and blackmailed by the Fairy Godmother, the King puts a hit out on Shrek. Instead of being rubbed out, Shrek joins forces with his would-be assassin, Puss-in-Boots and stages an armed robbery of the Fairy Godmother’s factory. Shrek uses some of the Fairy Godmother’s stash and wakes up in a barn with 3 chicks. Shrek then has to make his way back to Fiona, who has been fooled by Prince Charming. Why does this sound more like an episode of The Sopranos than a children’s movie?

This is the first kid appropriate movie that I’ve gotten my son to halfway pay attention to – and that was only the singing parts. He really liked the Fairy Godmother’s numbers. I think I’ll introduce him to Absolutely Fabulous next time I have the chance.

It’s not as good as the first one, although my sister disagrees. Shrek and Fiona’s inevitable happy ending just didn’t pack as much of an emotional punch the second time around. How could they not end up together? I was hoping that the third Shrek movie would involve a baby Shrek, but it seems to revolve around some King Arthur nonsense involving Justin Timberlake. Kill me now. Doesn’t Cameron know that starring in a film with your boyfriend is the kiss of death? Just ask J.Lo.