June 23, 2012

You may not know this, but my backyard is full of garden gnomes. The pink flamingos are packed away in the garage, as the evil HOA guidelines specifically prohibits plastic lawn ornaments. But there’s also a gargoyle on the birdbath and a three foot tall lady statue. Needless to say, if all the statues in my backyard came to life at night, I would shit my pants.

Yet this horrifying premise is the basis for a children’s movie. As disturbing as that sounds, don’t forget that it is also based on Romeo & Juliet, a violent tragedy that includes underage sex, murder and suicide. In addition, the soundtrack is entirely composed of old Elton John songs (doesn’t he LOOK like a garden gnome), barring a new duet with Lady Fucking Gaga. Keeping all this in mind, this should be the most disturbing and utterly depraved film ever made. I was completely shocked that I found Gnomeo & Juliet to be utterly charming.

Charming is not a word I use a lot. In fact, only once before have I ever referred to a film as charming. Charming is for Pottery Barn catalogues and seersucker suits on toddlers…not Knobby’s universe. But once in a while, I get charmed and I like it.

James McAvoy is sexier as a garden gnome than as the founder of the fucking X-Men. How’s that?

Did I need to see a garden gnome in a Borat man-thong? Yeah, I kinda did.

The obvious question is whether or not this tragic tale has a happy ending. It’s rated G, so what the fuck do you think happens? Of course, they live happily ever after. They just don’t make movies like Old Yeller anymore.

So yeah, happy ending and all, I totally liked this movie. I’m not embarrassed about it either. It’s no Tromeo & Juliet, but maybe it’s the second best adaptation out there? (No, I’ve never seen the Leonardo DiCrapio version and it’s not on my “to watch” list in the foreseeable future.) A sequel is in production – Sherlock Gnomes. Why the hell not?

Year – 2011
Rating – G
Runtime – 84 minutes
Genre – Kid Stuff
Director(s) – Kelly Asbury
Writer(s) – Rob Sprackling, John R. Smith
Actor(s) – James McAvoy, Emily Blunt, Ashley Jensen, Michael Caine, Jason Statham
BOB Rating – Three BOBs
Favorite Quote – "I am not illiterate! My parents were married! I am not illiterate! My parents were married!" - Lord Redbrick (Micharl Caine)