August 27, 2006

One minute, I’m watching 80s Metal Videos on VH-1 Classic and all of a sudden, I find myself an hour into a made for TV biopic on the Osmonds.

I figured that since I was already halfway through, I might as well keep on watching to see which one of them turns to drugs or starts hiring hookers. I was disappointed to find that none of them did. Go ahead laugh – you obviously know more about the Osmonds than I do.

This has got to be the most boring ‘made for TV’ celebrity biography ever made. Probably because it was produced by an Osmond. No one’s gonna dish nasty dirt about their own family…unless they’re a Jackson, of course. At least the movie Osmonds were more attractive than the real Osmonds. They were a pretty fugly bunch. Maybe it was because the Osmond kids were played almost entirely Canadians?

Coincidentally, I found this yesterday. I wasn’t really familiar with The Osmond Brothers’ music before and now I know why. I’ll be staying away from Jimmy as well.

I wish they would have touched on the disturbing incestual overtones of the Donny and Marie Show. I mean really, what the fuck? As far as Variety Shows go, they DID have more chemistry than Sonny and Cher or Tony Orlando and the Hooker Twins – but that doesn’t mean it’s right to exploit it. Didn’t anyone else think it was weird that a brother and sister act continuously sang love songs to each other?

I hate you, VH-1…oh, I can’t stay mad, VH-1, there’s a new episode of Flavor of Love on tomorrow night.

Year – 2001
Rating –
Runtime – 100 minutes
Genre – TV, Biopic
Director(s) – Neill Fearnley
Writer(s) – Matt Dorff
Actor(s) – Bruce McGill, Veronica Cartwright, Colin Ferguson, Patrick Levis, Janaya Stephens
BOB Rating – One BOB
Favorite Quote – "80 million records and I'm a dancing crustacean." - Wayne (Jason Knight)