May 31, 2000

It was okay, I guess. No boobies, no blood.

First off, it is a major James Bond rip-off. But all spy movies seem like James Bond rip-offs, since the James Bond movies are the ultimate in the genre. But this really seemed like one. And I do not know how intentional it was – a tribute or not? The same goes for that mountain climbing shit. Real Mountain Climbers have a word for people who climb without safety lines – idiots. I go with critic Harry Knowles analysis of the mountain climbing situation….one of the Star Trek movies opens with William Shatner climbing mountains and doing other manly stuff, just to show how manly he is. Ego stroking. Tom Cruise got to pretend to climb that mountain just to show what a badass he is on his day off. Conversely, James Bond movies open with an amazing action sequence, but it is always a mission, saving lives, blowing shit up, showing what a badass he is while he is working. I guess it makes some kind of statement that Ethan Hunt is such an asskicker that he needs super dangerous activities, even during his vacation. Personally, I think that if I had to kick ass all the time, I would just go to Amsterdam for my vacation and it wouldn’t matter if my boss found me and wanted me to work, because I would be too incapacitated to handle it.

The plot had more holes in it than Tupac. I don’t even want to go into it. The film was absolutely beautiful to look at though. It was a lot fun picking out the John Woo-isms. Like the slow motion flips, the use of birds and religious overtones. As expected, the special effects were pretty neat-o. The credits were the highlight of the film. (Oh wait, that’s bad, isn’t it?) I started to get sick of people ripping their goddamn faces off though. After the third or fourth time, I just began to expect it. I also guess the scriptwriters just expected everyone to have seen Face/Off and/or Darkman and to accept the nifty face mask technology. No problemo.

John Woo needs to go back to China and make a real film. If he would make another Hardboiled with big stars, big effects and it was Rated R, it would be bigger than The Matrix. No shit.

Thandie Newton made me and Erin want to be anorexic. She had big balls though.

Go see it in the theater, but it will be hard to avoid a showing full of kiddies…good luck!


Year – 2000
Rating – PG-13
Runtime – 123 minutes
Genre – Remake
Director(s) – John Woo
Writer(s) – Robert Towne
Actor(s) – Tom Cruise, Dougray Scott, Ving Rhames, Thandie Newton, Richard Roxburgh
BOB Rating – Three BOBs
Favorite Quote – "He shot a hole in my Versace!" - Luther Stickell (Ving Rhames)