Insomnia. Insomnia made me do it.
I didn’t want to begin watching it. Once I had begun watching it, I definitely did not want to continue watching it. Russ was long asleep when I was laying there at 4:00am watching the end credits roll. Note to self: No more Starbucks late at night. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating…it really wasn’t that bad a film. I mean, as far as Lou Diamond Phillips was concerned, this was a far superior film to Bats!
As I was watching the opening credits, I thought to myself – L.Q. Jones – isn’t he dead? Seriously, I really was convinced that he had died long ago, then I realized I was probably thinking of fellow Peckinpah prairie scum Strother Martin or Warren Oates…Anyway, Jones was by far the most respectable name in the bunch, although probably not the most well known.
The film follows Ritchie Valens and Tank Girl as Federal Marshals protecting The Black Dude from 21 Jump Street from evil Mall Owner, er Russian Mafioso La Fores. Of course, there are also some less talented Marshals on the trip, Elvis for example. While running from La Fores, the bunch strays away from Route 66, onto Route 666. Spooky! Of course, there is the obligatory Graveyard Fight Scene, followed by the appearance of extras from Cool Hand Luke as zombies. After several zombie scenes, Ritchie runs into Nobody, Mystical Indian Shaman/Wal-Mart Greeter. They trip on some peyote tea and then Ritchie goes back to zombie hunting. Oh Shit! One of the zombies is his dad! Of course, the evil Sheriff T.C. shows up and wouldn’t you know it – he’s the one who killed the Chain Gang Members and made then into bloodthirsty zombies! Then there is the total Star Wars ending – “Chain Gang Zombie, you’re my father!” Chain Gang Zombie/Dad then kills the other zombies and they all live happily ever after, except of course, for Zombie Dad, who disintegrates like a vampire at the first morning’s light and Sheriff T.C., who gets run over by an imaginary steamroller.
With the above paragraph, I have done you, the reader, the greatest service possible. I have made it completely unnecessary for you to ever watch this film. I accept cash donations through money orders and PayPal.