Shark Assault

November 29, 2013

Shark Assault (AKA Shark Week) is a rip-off of Saw, except all the “games” include sharks.

Patrick Bergin (best known for stalking Julia Roberts) is Mr. Tiburon (shark en espanol), a crazy old coot bent on avenging his son’s death. He kidnaps those he feels contributed to his son’s death and forces them into bizarre scenarios in which they are to be eaten by sharks. His “whore” is Yancy Butler, looking as alcoholic as ever. No other “name” actors are in the film, yet all the shark victims look similar to “name” actors…in fact, I had to look twice at a few of them. With my bad eyesight, I thought that Wentworth Miller was the DEA Agent victim, David Arquette was the tough guy victim and Joey Lauren Adams was the no-nonsense victim. But no, it was just cheap knock-off versions of D-list actors.

The CGI is murky at best – it’s so hard to see the shark attacks that I can’t even tell if the CGI is bad, but I’m assuming it is.

No good shark kills, no awesome gore, no sympathy for the victims OR the sharks. Total waste of time.