We watch shitty movies, so you don't have to…
In case you’re wondering, there’s no 4 Headed Shark Attack movie – the franchise skips straight from 3 Headed Shark Attack to 5 Headed Shark Attack. This kind of makes sense…because for the first half of the movie, the shark only has 4 heads…but for no discernable reason, the shark sprouts a 5th head out […]
After destroying every landmark in America over the last four movies, the 5th Sharknado movie goes global, with the latest Sharknado erupting out of a cave beneath Stonehenge. There’s not much to the plot. The Sharknado came back and now it can teleport you to anywhere on the planet. Yup, it can pick you up […]
Exactly what you fucking think it is. Zombie. Zoo. Animals. Thanks to The Asylum, for going where no film has gone before. It starts when the capuchin monkeys come down with a nasty virus, turn into zomb-onkeys and go beserk. Of course, they escape and start zombifying the rest of the zoo population. Zombie giraffes […]
If two heads are better than one, are three heads better than two? So…the 3 Headed Shark is angered by ocean pollution, but it eats the sea garbage, which drives it insane and it starts attacking. This movie makes no fucking sense. It is also somehow a sequel to 2 Headed Shark Attack, but HOW??? […]
First the Mega Shark fought a Giant Octopus. Then there was the Crocosaurus. Next, the Mecha Shark. And now…Kolossus. Kolossus is Cold War era robot weapon, powered by red mercury. Why does Kolossus look like it’s made out of meat? It’s like when you lift the flap on the back of the box of bacon […]
Maybe I’m too snobby, but I wasn’t able to get into the movie because I was too distracted by the lack of continuity. In the opening submarine scene, Debbie Gibson’s fingernails are clearly bare…but in closeups of “her hands” operating the controls – the nails are black. Disgusting! The Mega Shark is identified as an […]
I watched Sharknado 2 several weeks ago and as excited as I was to sit down and watch it – after watching it, it was hard to muster enough excitement to write about it. All of the joy has been sucked out of writing about crappy SyFy movies now that they have become a mainstream […]
A horror movie about bloodsucking fish…starring Shannen Doherty and Christopher Lloyd…made by The Asylum…on Animal Planet? I know – I’m confused, too. Since when does Animal Planet show movies? Oh yeah…I forgot about Mermaids: The Body Found. Plus, they run a Puppy Super Bowl…it’s not like we’re talking about a bastion of hard-hitting journalism. There’s […]
Shark Assault (AKA Shark Week) is a rip-off of Saw, except all the “games” include sharks. Patrick Bergin (best known for stalking Julia Roberts) is Mr. Tiburon (shark en espanol), a crazy old coot bent on avenging his son’s death. He kidnaps those he feels contributed to his son’s death and forces them into bizarre […]
So now the rest of the planet knows what Joel McHale and I have known all along…SyFy movies are the shit! Oops, that was a typo – I meant to say, “are shit!” Yes, social media was buzzing in the weeks leading up to the premier of SyFy‘s latest entry in the improbable animal/natural disaster […]