Film: The Asylum

6-Headed Shark Attack

 

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How many heads could a 6-headed shark give, if a head-giving 6-headed shark could give head?

The set-up to the shark feeding frenzy is ridiculously frustrating. A bunch of couples are stranded on a desert island in Baja, in order to take part in Survivor-style Couples Therapy. If I wanted to watch a bunch of dysfunctional couples arguing, I’d just wait until the holidays. Every single one of them is an asshole – who cares if the 6-headed shark eats them?

I do not understand the dynamics of the 6-headed shark. Unlike the 5-headed shark, all of the heads are up front – no butthole heads on this shark. The 6-headed shark looks like Patrick Star with an erection. Also, when angered, the 6-headed shark may bite off one of his own heads. I don’t even fucking know anymore, guys.

I will never unsee the sight of that dipshit 6-headed shark walking like a crab, on the tips of 4 of its shark-noses. Why? Does The Asylum even science?

The Asylum does NOT science, as evidenced by the ending. I feel like it was supposed to be an homage to the ending of the original Jaws, with the oxygen tanks and flare gun. Don’t they know that the Mythbusters already debunked that???

The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time

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I don’t care what they call that damn movie, I really doubt it’s the last one. (Are you sensing a certain cynicality in me, when it comes to franchises? You’re goddamn right you are!)

As the last film ended, everyone on the planet was dead I think, except Fin. His son showed up with a time machine…and that’s right where Sharknado 6 picked up. Fin ended up in the Jurassic period and oh look! There’s Tara Reid riding a Pterodactyl. Or was it a “Tara-dactyl”?

As the shark-fighting team travels through history fighting Sharknados, they also travel from continent to continent. Not sure where they started in Dinosaur-land, but they make appearances at King Arthur’s Court (Excalibur was really a chainsaw), the American Revolution, wherever Billy the Kid was hanging out at, then San Francisco in 1996, and then…the far off future full of Tara Reid Clones wearing tinfoil hats. We truly had no idea what the fuck was going on. And I don’t mean that in a delightful way.

The cameos were fast and furious this go-round. And weird…very, very weird. Alaska Thunderfuck as Morgana (le Fey?); Deanna Troi; Neil deGrasse Tyson as Merlin; The Offspring (the band), literally telling the American Revolution Cavalry to “Come out and play”; Leslie Jordan as Benjamin Franklin; Darrell Hammond as George Washington (but doing his Bill Clinton impression…so weird); Ben Stein as Alexander Hamilton; Dee Snyder; Murr from Impractical Jokers; Gilbert Gottfried (again); Tori Spelling and her gross cheating/anal sex-obsessed husband as Fin’s parents; Peter Brady as Nova’s grandfather; Doc from The Love Boat; LaToya Jackson as Cleopatra; James Hong as Confucius; and Al Roker (also again).

I take it back, this really has to be the last one. There’s no where else to go, right? RIGHT?

5 Headed Shark Attack

In case you’re wondering, there’s no 4 Headed Shark Attack movie – the franchise skips straight from 3 Headed Shark Attack to 5 Headed Shark Attack. This kind of makes sense…because for the first half of the movie, the shark only has 4 heads…but for no discernable reason, the shark sprouts a 5th head out of its butt. Literally, the shark’s 5th head is its butthole. You can’t make this shit up.

Sadly, there are not even any C-list stars to bear witness to the carnage. The closest is Chris Bruno, who I vaguely remember from a brief stint on All My Children in the 90s. (Don’t judge me.) I’m not saying that I only watch these movies to see “celebs” debase themselves by running from mutant sharks…but I’m not saying that it isn’t.

There’s really not a lot to say about this movie…EXCEPT that they try to use dolphin recordings to scare the shark, because dolphins are the only thing that scare sharks. SEE! I fucking told you! Dolphins are the most fucking horrifying creatures in the ocean! Even a Great White Shark with a shark-face for its butthole is absolutely terrified of dolphins!

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

After destroying every landmark in America over the last four movies, the 5th Sharknado movie goes global, with the latest Sharknado erupting out of a cave beneath Stonehenge.

There’s not much to the plot. The Sharknado came back and now it can teleport you to anywhere on the planet. Yup, it can pick you up in Switzerland and then drop you in Australia. Sure…why not? It’s a great plot device.

The Sharknado took out Stonehenge, Big Ben, London Bridge (someone actually got to say “London Bridge is falling down”), the Swiss Alps, the Rio Dr Janeiro Jesus, the colosseum, the pyramids of Giza…and eventually, the entire planet.

Also, I would be remiss if I did not mention SHARKZILLA. It’s a toxic waste Sharknado shaped like Godzilla that destroys Tokyo. Really.

Since the movie starts out in London, I feel like there were celebrities I wasn’t aware of…but here are the ones I did catch…Cameo Roll Call: Chris Kattan, Clay Aiken with a bad British accent, Samantha Fox, Katie Price, Bret Michaels (gets hit by a double-decker bus, but why is he in London?), Charo as the Queen of England, David Naughton, Nichelle Nichols, Geraldo Rivera, Olivia Newton-John and her plastic surgery-addicted daughter, Tony Hawk, Tiffany “New York” Pollard with a bad Brazilian accent, Fabio as the pope (and proferer of the holy chainsaw), Margaret Cho, Al Roker with Hoda and Kathie Lee, Bai Ling, Gilbert Gottfried, and Dolph Lundgren in a very, very bizarre cameo with a flux capacitor made out of a possum.

It made my son and I sad when Fin raised his holy chainsaw in the air and proclaimed, “I am not throwing away my shot.” Just…no. I know LMM, and you sir…are NO LMM.

Let the record show that I totally called the ending of the film about 45 minutes in…not the ending of the film per se, but the fact that the NEXT Sharknado will have to include time travel. Just ask my kids…they’ll back me up. I absolutely fucking called it.

I wasn’t any more or less disappointed with #5 than any of the previous Sharknados. Frankly, I’m impressed that they’ve kept it going this long. I can’t even be mad. Did you know that Ian Ziering made half a million dollars for Sharknado?

Zoombies

Exactly what you fucking think it is. Zombie. Zoo. Animals. Thanks to The Asylum, for going where no film has gone before.

It starts when the capuchin monkeys come down with a nasty virus, turn into zomb-onkeys and go beserk. Of course, they escape and start zombifying the rest of the zoo population. Zombie giraffes tearing folks limb from limb should be horrifying, but I just couldn’t stop laughing. The one truly horrifying “zoombie” was the Koala. Koalas are just so cute and so…chill. Zombie Koalas are NOT cute and definitely NOT chill.

No one I’ve ever heard of is in the cast and not single character is particularly memorable…except for the little girl, LaLa Nestor. The look on her face after she’s forced to bear Mr. Koala to death with a baseball bat…she’s seen some shit, man. That girl’s got a bright future ahead of her as a Scream Queen.

I didn’t expect this film to be good by any stretch of the imagination, but more than anything – it was just boring. There was nothing in between the CGI “zoombie” carnage scenes to keep the viewer entertained. Is it possible to laugh maniacally and snore at the same time?

3 Headed Shark Attack

If two heads are better than one, are three heads better than two?

So…the 3 Headed Shark is angered by ocean pollution, but it eats the sea garbage, which drives it insane and it starts attacking. This movie makes no fucking sense. It is also somehow a sequel to 2 Headed Shark Attack, but HOW??? There are none of the same characters and no relationship is implied between the 2 Headed and 3 Headed Sharks. I need continuity, dammit!

Danny Trejo is the “big” name in the film, along with Rob Van Dam (some wrestler I’ve never heard of until now), Jaason Simmons (also in Sharknado, and Karrueche Tran (Chris Brown’s ex-girlfriend). Bottom of the barrel, they have scraped.

Not enough Machete! He showed up about two thirds of the way through to save the day…with a machete, of course. Unfortunately, when he cut off the middle head, three more baby shark heads grew back. 5 headed Shark attack!

Boring. Not funny. My shark-crazy seven year old daughter actually asked, “Is it almost over?” Yup, shitty movie.

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

First the Mega Shark fought a Giant Octopus. Then there was the Crocosaurus. Next, the Mecha Shark. And now…Kolossus.

Kolossus is Cold War era robot weapon, powered by red mercury. Why does Kolossus look like it’s made out of meat? It’s like when you lift the flap on the back of the box of bacon to check out the slices…What a coincidence that this giant robot happened to be released near Chernobyl at the exact time that Mega Shark needs a good ass kicking?

I was somewhat amused by Team Unicorn’s cameo in the beginning of the film. I just happened to recognize Clare Grant – Seth Green’s wife. What? I guess I stalk him on Instagram and have seen A LOT of pictures of her.

Illeana Douglas is the only somewhat known star in the film. I’ve always liked her as the quirky sister or best friend. Now she’s playing the quirky scientist. Watching her try to explain Mega Shark parthenogenesis was easily the highlight of a somewhat boring entry in the Mega Shark series.

Unfortunately, the week leading up to Sharknado 3 is full of bad shark movies…and we’re DVRing every single one of them. Consider yourself WARNED.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Maybe I’m too snobby, but I wasn’t able to get into the movie because I was too distracted by the lack of continuity. In the opening submarine scene, Debbie Gibson’s fingernails are clearly bare…but in closeups of “her hands” operating the controls – the nails are black. Disgusting!

The Mega Shark is identified as an extinct prehistoric beast called a Megalodon. Ancient mariners feared a creature called a Kraken – traditionally depicted as a giant octopus. So why isn’t the film called Megalodon vs. Kraken? That would’ve been a much cooler name for this shitty movie…

Lorenzo Lamas and his sensitive ponytail didn’t show up until 45 minutes into the film. He kidnaps Debbie Gibson and her two scientist buddies to help contain the destructive creatures. I guess Mega Sharks eating entire airplanes in a single bite is enough to cause the military to start kidnapping scientists. But I don’t understand why he didn’t just ask them nicely?

The Megalodon and Kraken fight to the death in a lame CGI sequence. You can’t really tell what’s going on – just a lot of squeezing and biting. Lorenzo Lamas disappears (not really sure where he went – I don’t think he died) and the scientists live happily ever after…leaving the film open for a sequel.

 

Sharknado 2 : The Second One

I watched Sharknado 2 several weeks ago and as excited as I was to sit down and watch it – after watching it, it was hard to muster enough excitement to write about it. All of the joy has been sucked out of writing about crappy SyFy movies now that they have become a mainstream pop culture phenomenon. If Matt Lauer and Al Roker get to kill sharks in your movie, it’s fucking mainstream as shit.

We reunite with our shark-slaying hero as he’s flying into New York. Without warning, sharks start attacking the plane. No set-up, no background reasoning…just sharks flinging themselves at his aircraft. Wouldn’t this have been a perfect time for someone to say, “I’m motherfucking tired of these motherfucking sharks on my motherfucking plane!”?

Even without that line, I was happy as a clam during the plane…or excuse me – Airplane scene. In fact, the only thing that kept me watching was to see how each cameo would die next. I was thrilled to see Kelly Osbourne, Wil Wheaton, Subway Jared, Perez Hilton and that guy from Shark Tank get killed in interestingly painful ways. I paid little attention the plot, excusing my confusion that the Sharknado caused it to snow.

When did Mark McGrath turn into kd lang? What happened to his face? Not sure if it’s Botox or a bad face lift, but he looks like a middle aged lesbian. It’s unnatural. Vivica A. Fox actually looks better than she has in years…I wish I could say the same about Tara Reid. YES, I know she’s coming out with Sharknado cologne and YES, it’s fucking stupid…but no less stupid than Beiber and One Direction having cologne…

My husband totally gave me a conniption fit, asking me if I thought Tara Reid would end up with a chainsaw on her stump. I believe my exact words were, “They better hadn’t dare!” I was relieved when they only put a table saw on her stump…

So…the question remains – now that everyone is watching this shit, will I stop watching and reviewing this shit? Fuck NO. I’m no cinematic hipster – I think everyone should watch the kind of movies I enjoy. Their popularity will cause more of this shit to be made, which is fine by me. I’ll be sad the day that interest in shitty shark attack movies wanes and everyone goes back to watching the umpteenth Michael Bay explosion-fest (yawn) and terminal illness porn like The Fault in our Stars (double yawn). Until then, I’ll enjoy the zeitgeist. Please slap me if you ever hear me claiming that I liked chainsaws before they were cool…even though I totally did.

 

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys

A horror movie about bloodsucking fish…starring Shannen Doherty and Christopher Lloyd…made by The Asylum…on Animal Planet?

I know – I’m confused, too. Since when does Animal Planet show movies? Oh yeah…I forgot about Mermaids: The Body Found. Plus, they run a Puppy Super Bowl…it’s not like we’re talking about a bastion of hard-hitting journalism.

There’s quite a cast in this turd of a movie. Shannen Doherty plays the beleaguered mom role, married to the worst park ranger, husband and father ever – the guy from Baywatch: Hawaii. Christopher Lloyd is the mayor…yes THAT Christopher Lloyd. Scut Farkus is another park ranger, along with Mary Jane. (Another star from Nowhere – I love Rachel True.) I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the cameo by Mr. River Monster, Jeremy Wade. Not that these are BIG stars, but they’re beyond the usual quality. These movies must be a lot of fun to make, because I can’t imagine they are proud moments on anyone’s résumé.

The most important scene is the one in which the mayer – Christopher Lloyd – encounters lampreys in his toilet..while he’s sitting on the toilet. You don’t have to be a genius to figure out how the lampreys get out of the toilet. This brief scene makes the whole film worth it.

This excremental “horror” film actually scared my son. It bothered him enough that he asked to turn it off. (Even though he is beyond his nine years in many ways, he is thankfully still self-censoring crap that bothers him.) He would have loved the toilet scene, so I am sad that he missed it. We waited until he wasn’t around to finish watching it…with the six year old. She repeatedly kept asking if lampreys were real and we told her, “Yes…but they don’t do that.” I didn’t even bother googling it – they don’t crawl up people’s assholes, do they??? Did I lie to my daughter?