January 16, 2002

It didn’t suck as bad as I thought it would.

Don’t get me wrong, it certainly did suck. It didn’t suck with the power of a thousand crackwhores, as I expected it would. I’d say that it occupies the middle ground between Battlefield Earth and Hackers.

Speaking of Hackers, the “hacking” portrayed in Swordfish wasn’t as egregiously stupid as in Hackers. I couldn’t stop giggling though during the scene with Hugh Jackman praising himself, dancing and drinking wine while hacking…a real hacker would be quoting Monty Python, playing Quake and drinking Mountain Dew…

Hugh Jackman was the highlight of the film. The privilege of looking at him for 99 minutes raised the rating of this film one whole BOB. You know, I considered watching Kate and Leopold, just because he is in it! Don’t worry, I couldn’t bring myself to do it – but the thought crossed my mind…

The most entertaining part of the film was definitely John Travolta’s opening monologue. Not only was it correct in the assumption that Hollywood makes shit, but it hit on something that has been bothering me for years. I was so pissed about the ending of Dog Day Afternoon. I really wanted Al to get away with it. Even reading Sydney Lumet’s autobiography didn’t make me feel better about the whole thing. It was just another example of Hollywood pussing out.

As soon as Halle Berry said her name was Ginger, the first thing that I thought of was IT – you know, that silly scooter Segway thing. It might be intentional, it might not….but then again hottie hacker Axel Torvald seems to be referring to Linus Torvald, creator of Linux, so you never know…

Everyone knows someone who bought this movie on DVD (probably so they could still frame on Halle’s berries, which were hardly worth half a mill), so borrow it from them and watch it while you’re hungover, it couldn’t make you feel any worse.


Year – 2001
Rating – R
Runtime – 99 minutes
Genre – Computer Thriller
Director(s) – Dominic Sena
Writer(s) – Skip Woods
Actor(s) – John Travolta, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Don Cheadle, Vinnie Jones
BOB Rating – Two BOBs
Favorite Quote – "You know what the problem with Hollywood is? They make shit." - Gabriel Shear (John Travolta)