The Tuxedo

September 25, 2003

Whose idea was it to match up Jackie Chan with one of the worst actresses to crawl out of the depths Fox’s back lot? That individual needs to be dragged out into the street and shot, run over by a ice cream truck and then shot again.

Notwithstanding Jennifer and her “Hewitts,” the movie wasn’t that bad. Jackie played a regular Joe Schmo without any martial arts ability, although he was a badass driver. I guess his ego requires that he’s some sort of badass in every film he’s in. He ends up chauffeuring for a real spy, hilarity ensues and he gets to wear the spy’s special tuxedo, which enables him to kick ass, do zippo tricks and sing like James Brown.

Speaking of James Brown, he has been popping up in the strangest cameos lately – first Undercover Brother and now this? The entire film was worth watching just for Jackie Chan’s impersonation of James Brown. He definitely had the moves. However, I was not prepared to see him wiggling his butt like that, nor was I prepared to see that stupid chick stick her FINGER in his ASS CRACK! I could have lived the rest of my life without seeing that.

Another standout was Peter Stormare as the fucked up Doctor Simms. He was totally against type and I almost forgot about his woodchippering tendencies in Fargo. Almost.

The plot was stupid, but I could get over that. My biggest question? What the fuck happened to his best friend? His best friend was in the first scene of the film and then we never saw him again. What the fucking fuck?

Without Jennifer Love Hewitt, The Tuxedo would have gotten a higher rating. I’m pretty sure the same goes for ANY film she’s in.