Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times – Paul Bunyan needs his own horror movie. I’ve never said that. I’m fairly certain that NO ONE in the span of human history has EVER said that. But here I am, reviewing Paul Bunyan’s horror movie. The big “star” is Grizzly Adams himself […]

Ghost Shark

When a Ghost Shark eats you, where do you go? I don’t mean metaphysically, as in what happens when you die. I mean literally – where do the parts of you that the Ghost Shark swallowed go? Are they instantaneously dissolved by Ghost Shark’s ectoplasm? Or are they digested more slowly, like a regular shark […]

Blast Vegas

Poor Frankie Muniz…it’s come to this. Has anyone else noticed that the cute child stars that are able to play kids well into young adulthood, appear to skip young adulthood? One day, they don’t look a day over 15…then overnight…BAM…45 years old. Think of Edward Furlong, who is already playing “dad” roles. That’s what happened […]

Sharknado

So now the rest of the planet knows what Joel McHale and I have known all along…SyFy movies are the shit! Oops, that was a typo – I meant to say, “are shit!” Yes, social media was buzzing in the weeks leading up to the premier of SyFy‘s latest entry in the improbable animal/natural disaster […]

Tasmanian Devils

The first five minutes was the best…Apolo Anton Ohno basejumps in New Zealand, falls into a hole and is impaled on a stalagmite that looks suspiciously like a Judas Cradle. It looked slightly less painful and embarrassing than appearing on Dancing with the Stars. It’s all downhill from there. Winnie Cooper plays a hot American […]

Metal Tornado

I am incapable of watching a film starring Lou Diamond Phillips without thinking, “La-la-la-la-la Bamba!” Even when he’s playing a scientist, my brain goes all wonky and I think, “se necessita te poca de gracia…” True to the SyFy formula, Phillips plays a single dad tasked with saving the world after his company’s attempt to […]

Chupacabra vs. the Alamo

Chupacabras…Erik Estrada…Texas landmarks…it’s like the SyFy Channel is making movies just for me! The SyFy formula is in full effect. Erik Estrada plays a widowed DEA Agent. His estranged son is a gangbanger and his daughter is a sullen teenager. At least he doesn’t buy her a chupacabra as a graduation present. His daughter encounters […]

Flying Monkeys

Oz the Great and Powerful opened last week, but we weren’t able to fit it into our schedule…so we watched the next best thing – Flying Monkeys, courtesy of the SyFy Channel. The plot follows the tried and true SyFy formula…mysterious beasties invade a town, kill half the population, but then are killed in a […]

Stonehenge Apocalypse

“Apocalypse movies always have a weird way to save the world at the end. You can’t just blow up a volcano.” For a seven year old, my son is pretty smart. I’ll go ahead and throw him under the bus for picking this shitty movie out. I was scrolling through the guide and he demanded […]

Lake Placid: The Final Chapter

Sure…they say it’s the final chapter, but I don’t believe them for a fucking second. How many Friday the 13th movies were made after the fourth and Final Chapter? (SEVEN…or eight if you count the recent reboot.) How many Puppet Master movies have been released after the supposed fifth and Final Chapter? (Six!) Even the […]