Victor Crowley

 

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My husband records the weirdest movies.

At first I thought it was a typical slasher movie, but then it went all meta, a survivor writing about a massacre ten years ago and then a group of kids making a film about the events…what events?

Turns out Victor Crowley is the fourth film in a series. I’ve never even heard of the Hatchet series, but apparently, there were three of them before this one. How have I never heard of them???

Was that Jonah Ray in the cold open? IMDb says yes. Look for Felissa Rose (Angela in Sleepaway Camp!) as Andrew’s publicist. Q from Impractical Jokers also has a starring role. Tony Todd was there – blink and you’ll miss it.

Pretty funny for a slasher film. Equal opportunity when it comes to nudity – there were tits and a weener. Victor Crowley also perpetrated some of the most awesomely brutal death gags I’ve seen in a long time – like TROMA level gags. Have you ever seen a killer rip someone’s arm off, shove it up their cooter so hard, that their cell phone comes out their mouth? Me neither! Now I need to check out the first three…

Without a Paddle

If this movie was made in the 90s, it would have starred Rob Schneider or David Spade in the Seth Green role, Adam Sandler in the Matthew Lillard role and Matt Dillon or Brendan Fraser in the Dax Shepard role.

If this movie was made in the 80s, it would have starred Anthony Michael Hall in the Seth Green role, Emilio Estevez or Charlie Sheen in the Matthew Lillard role and either Judd Nelson or Charlie Sheen in the Dax Shepard role.

If this movie was made in the 70s, it would have starred Ned Beatty in the Seth Green role, Jon Voigt in the Matthew Lillard role and Burt Reynolds in the Dax Shepard role…and it would have been called Deliverance. I kid, I kid – this movie doesn’t have much in common with Deliverance besides Burt Reynolds and some city boys getting chased by locals on a rafting trip. Hmmm…that sounds pretty similar, actually. Instead of being chased by deranged hillbillies with buttsex on their mind, our three heroes find themselves chased by deranged pot farmers – they just want to kill the guys, not rape them. I guess what I’m saying is that this is not an original movie by a longshot and the characters are masterpieces of cliche. On top of that, the parts that didn’t remind me of Deliverance remind me of either Stand by Me or The Goonies.

Is Dax Shepard supposed to be sexy or funny or something? A few years ago, he was on Punk’d and now he’s getting all these prime roles. Did I miss the memo?

I like me some Seth Green though. I’ve had an eye on him since Something Special, which in my honest opinion, is a way better cross-dressing teen comedy than Just One of the Guys, mostly because the heroine actually WAKES UP WITH A PENIS. But I digress…Seth Green is hilarious in every single thing I’ve seen him in. He almost even made Buffy watchable. He’s got comic timing that can’t be beat. He also seems to appreciate ladies with lots of leg hair – that’s always a plus.

He’s such a sweetheart on My Name is Earl, I forgot how menacing Ethan Suplee can be. IMDb told me that his first big role was playing the bully on Boy Meets World, but I don’t ever remember watching that show (sober). Oh yeah, he was a total dick in American History X, too. And that other guy, he used to beat people up in that show, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. Did anybody else, besides me, even watch that show?

Not a total waste of time, but the syrupy happy ending really made me want to vomit. I hate it when a politically incorrect movie full of gay jokes and flying bags of poop gets all philosophical about the true meaning of life and how money isn’t really important. It’s horseshit, but I guess it puts asses in movie seats.

2001 Maniacs

The South shall rise again. Preferably with a taste for human flesh.

Robert Englund stars in this remake of Two Thousand Maniacs! – H. G. Lewis’ classic tale of Confederate Cannibalism. The story is essentially the same – Brigadoon plus Blood Feast. Eight Northerners get lost on their way to Spring Break and opt to join a Civil War Anniversary Celebration. It doesn’t take much more than the promise of dirty barnyard sex and free moonshine to get kids to forget all about Spring Break, does it?

Robert Englund’s partner in crime was Lin Shaye, AKA the skanky landlord in Kingpin and the mummified tanned neighbor in There’s Something About Mary. She mostly cooked in the movie, although she had her fair share of killing, too. Compared to the other characters she’s played, she actually looked pretty hot.

The special effects were surprisingly good for such low profile film. The first death was a girl being drawn and quartered…and it was way more graphic and realistic than a similar scene in Faces of Death. Other ghastly ends included a beer bong full of acid, anal impalement with a hot poker, death by milling…and one dude had his junk eaten off by a chick with big metal jaws like that guy in the James Bond movies – although she also resembled Baraka from Mortal Kombat. It made no sense for a Civil War era woman to be equipped with jaws like a bear trap, but it sure was fun to watch. The best deaths were the ones at the very end of the movie…I don’t want to ruin it, but the trick involves barbed wire.

Eli Roth cameos as Justin, the same character he played in Cabin Fever. I thought that Justin had gotten killed off in Cabin Fever, but maybe I am remembering wrong. Or maybe it was just his dog that died? Either way, he’s back with a dead armadillo and he wants a ride.

This is the movie for my old high school buddies that do Civil War re-enactments on the weekend. I think they’d enjoy it quite a bit, especially while drinking a bit of the S’MORES FLAVORED SCHNAPPS.

I was delighted to find that a sequel is already being made. It’s slated for release next year and so far the title is to be 2001 Maniacs: Beverly Hellbillys. It sounds cheestastic, so I’ll definitely be there.

Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain

You’d think that killing of Richard Grieco within the first five minutes of a movie would be an automatic 4 BOB rating, but alas and alack – NO.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated seeing him roasting on a spit, but that still doesn’t undo the wrong he did several decades ago in single-handedly killing off one of my favorite TV shows back in the day – 21 Jump Street. But it helped…a little. I was less happy to see his camping partners go – Chasey Lain (porn star of Bloodhound Gang song fame) got chopped in half a few minutes into the film and Jenna Jameson (don’t act like you don’t know who SHE is) lost her heart, which appeared to be a Ziploc baggie filled with Kool-Aid, near the end of the film. A camping trip with Richard Grieco, Chasey Lain and Jenna Jameson? Bleach the tent after that trip.

In addition to Chasey and Jenna, Taylor Hayes (porn star and mother of Seymour Butts’ kid) and Ginger Lynn Allen (old timer porn star, also known for getting knocked around by Charlie Sheen) also make an appearance. I can’t really complain about their performances – they weren’t any worse than the rest of the cast. My favorite was Gary, the local weirdo who kept trying to warn the kids about the Woods. “Don’t stray from the path!” His intestines were pulled out through his butthole – and then he was strangled with them. Sometimes, it just doesn’t pay to be a good Samaritan.

There’s not much original about Evil Breed. Like The Hills Have Eyes, it’s supposedly based on the legend of Sawney Bean, positing that some of his inbred, cannibal descendants escaped Scotland and took up residence in Ireland. Whateverthefuck. It’s basically a remake of Wrong Turn, which is in itself, just another rehash of the inbred cannibal thing. The film has a clichéd plot with clichéd scares and clichéd monsters. BOR-ing. Even porn star titties couldn’t keep me interested in this snoozer.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle

I didn’t think that I would ever see a more incongruous act than Doogie Howser, M.D. doing a fatality on an evil henchman, but I’d have to say that Doogie Howser snorting coke off a girl’s bum, while hanging out of the sun roof of a moving car, takes the cake.

Far be it from me to define a movie by its cameos, but there you have it. A movie’s hilarity may well be directly proportional to the outrageousness of said movie’s cameo by Neil Patrick Harris. I think I’ll call it the Doogie Theorem.

Time for the inevitable comparison and contrast to Dude, Where’s My Car?. Yeah, they’re definitely buddy quest movies about potheads, but the similarities mostly end there. Whereas Jesse and Chester are total idiots and stereotypical potheads, Harold and Kumar are cut from a different cloth entirely. Both are college graduates – Harold is gainfully employed as an investment banker and Kumar is, although not willingly, in the process of selecting a medical school. Although the story structure and pacing are similar, their accomplishments are at the opposite ends of the spectrum. While Harold and and Kumar grow as individuals once they achieve their goal of White Castle burgers, Jesse and Chester merely achieve bigger breasts for their girlfriends upon finding their car.

The only part of the film that I thought was flat-out stupid was the cheetah riding. Everything up to that point was kosher – Battleshits, Freakshow’s horny wife, even the escape from jail – but the cheetah ride was a bit much. I don’t know why, cheetah riding just rubs me the wrong way?

There are areas of my brain filled with knowledge that I didn’t even know was there. For instance, did you know that I know all the words to Wilson Philip’s Hold On? I didn’t know either until Harold and Kumar started singing it and I found myself singing along in my head. At least I had enough presence of mind not to do in front of my friends. That would have been very un-knobby-like behavior!

Since I live in the south, we don’t have White Castle here, but I have it on good authority that those tiny little burgers are pretty nasty. Now, the grocery store carries a frozen version – but seriously? Who would eat that? In any case, back in college, I remember finding myself on epic quests like Harold and Kumar’s on a regular basis. One memorable trip was in search of a chinese joint called Fang Ti, which supposedly had “moonlight buffet til four AM.” Riiiight. We never did find it, but apparently, it does exist. Heh.

 

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

How did she fit that gun in her vag? Furthermore, once she got it up there, how did she get it to stay there?

Although there are many other fascinating topics of conversation that I could expound upon relating to the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – there’s only one that comes to mind again and again. My mouth dropped down to the floor when the hitchhiker pulled a gun out of her crotch, put the barrel in her mouth and pulled the trigger. Un. Fucking. Believable.

The rest of the movie is just as foul. Meat hooks and inbred rednecks and torture and chainsaws all that you would expect from the remake of the first slasher flick. About the only things I can find to recommend about the film are the crotch gun and R. Lee Ermey. He’s like cheese – everything’s better with cheese and/or R. Lee Ermey.

I’m not a fan of Jessica Biel. I don’t know if it’s 7th Heaven or…yeah, it’s definitely 7th Heaven. Although she’s the only one who had the good sense to get out for good, any association, no matter how brief, is pure evil. That show will ultimately be responsible for the coming apocalypse. Anyone who watches that god-forsaken show is dead to me. (Except Mrs. Z, of course.) On the other hand, if they could have gotten Reverend Camden to play Leatherface, this would have truly been a film worth watching.

And no, the movie definitely is NOT based on a true story. There was never a family of killer cannibals living anywhere in Texas. No matter how many times I try to explain the Ed Gein connection, I find people (including one of my sisters) who swear up and down that it really happened. Whatever dude.

 

Cabin Fever

We were laughing before the credits even finished. We just couldn’t stop laughing at that guy’s name – Rider Strong. That would be the BEST. PORNO NAME. EVER. Too bad it’s really the little shit from Boy Meets World…

This movie is just weird. There are definite nods to the Deliverance/Texas Chainsaw Massacre genre of films…that first meeting with the “backwards” locals, the fucked up kid. But after the genre set-up, the movie veers off in a completely different direction. Yes, eventually the locals come after the kids, just like every other movie…but can you really blame them?

There were several moments in this film that were severely traumatizing. The “finger-goo” scene – every guy’s nightmare. The “leg shaving” scene – let’s just say I had a hard time shaving yesterday and it *wasn’t* because of my big buddha belly. And Karen’s teeth…jesus! I admit, most of the nastiest scenes were just makeup…it’s still traumatizing. And what was up with the psycho bunny dude?

And then there was DENNIS. I admit – one full BOB is due to Dennis. I swear, Dennis is the bastard offspring of Rubin…you know, from Rubin and Ed. That mullet, those karate moves – that kid has to have sprung straight from Crispin Glover’s loins.

So I’ve heard rumors of a sequel. I’m not sure what the point of that would be…but I’ll probably watch it anyway if Eli Roth directs it.

Wrong Turn

Saturday night, flipping through the cable guide, trying to find something suitable to watch. After vacillating between Willard and Equilibrium, my husband passed by Wrong Turn. I stopped him and demanded that he go back and we read the description. He said that he didn’t think this would be the type of thing I would want to watch. I asked him how long he had known me and what part of “cannibalistic hillbillies” did he think I wouldn’t be interested in?

As it turns out, I actually wasn’t interested at all in these cannibalistic hillbillies. They were so damn boring. They didn’t really do anything but swing an ax and shoot some arrows. I’ve had scarier School Bus Drivers than those hillbillies. And what was up with the credit sequence? The credits where mainly composed of a montage of different “news” articles on inbreeding related psychosis and birth defects. Right…I see what they’re getting at – there’s a reason why these hillbillies are going nuts and killing campers. Well, the three hillbillies were male, with no female hillbillies in sight – so exactly how were they breeding at all, much less inbreeding?

This is possibly the least original horror movie to come out in the past decade…scratch that – ever!. It’s as if Deliverance and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre were entered into a computer and the mathematically precise result given was Wrong Turn. From the very moment all the characters were introduced, I could tell you exactly which two would be the survivors. Even the order in which the victims die was predictable. Of course, the potsmoking, blow job recipient (the kid from Air Bud!) has gotta die first. Then of course, the blow job giver. Wait a little while, then the brave guy risking his life to distract the killer dies. Next of course, is the annoying-as-hell whiny screaming girl – what a relief. Then the random-adult-authority figure, followed by the pyrotechnic demise of the killers. What, did I spoil it for you? I could have been talking about any of a hundred horror movies, you know.

Eliza Dushku – meh. As far as I could tell, she was the same character as Faith. Bitter and ass-kicking are usually traits that I find attractive, just not in her I guess. Her hair looked really great throughout the entire movie though.

There are many other fine movies out there about murderous hillbillies. This movie was not on par with Redneck Zombies…or even Mother’s Day – and don’t even mention Wrong Turn in the same sentence as The Hills Have Eyes. Even so, it is necessary viewing for anyone who enjoys cannibalistic hillbillies – what can I say, it reminds me of home.

  

Run Ronnie Run!

The heartwarming tale of the world’s most arrested man; I give you Run Ronnie Run!

Those of you familiar with the underappreciated HBO show Mr. Show are no doubt familiar with Ronnie Dobbs. For those of you who are not – here’s a quick summary. Back in the mid-90s, comedians David Cross and Bob Odenkirk were given their own sketch comedy show on HBO. Even though it was groundbreaking and frickin’ hilarious to boot, it got cancelled. David and Bob then got funding to make a major motion picture based on one of their funnier recurring characters, Ronnie Dobbs. Fate was not on their side, however, and the film was stuck in distribution hell for several years. Fate came back onboard this past September and Run Ronnie Run was released with little fanfare on an unsuspecting public.

I’ll tell you right now, it’s not as funny as Mr. Show. It’s not even as funny as Reno 911! It’s still really damn funny – and there’s mullets! Reality show executives are struggling to come up with a new concept. The reigning ratings winner, the cannibalistic Survivor-like show, Elimination Island, is unbeatable. Unbeatable until Ronnie gets his own show. And on this show, all he does is get arrested. Over and over again, all across the nation. Ronnie lives the life most rednecks dream of…that is, until he gets the death penalty for returning to his hometown.

The cameos are worth the price of rental alone. The KitH count is two – and while that’s a decent amount, the film could have used some Bruce McCulloch. Ronnie parties with Ben Stiller, Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Jeff Goldblum joins the same cult as Ronnie. Mandy Patinkin stars in the musical version of Ronnie’s life, singing “Ya’ll are Brutalizing Me.” Jack Black has the best cameo by far, singing the classic chimney sweep ballad, “Kick Her in the Cunt.”

Go rent Run Ronnie Run! now. Don’t forget to watch the deleted scenes and extended music video (Ew, Girl, Ew!). And watch through the credits for some “injury outtakes.”

Deliverance

Starring Ned “Weeeea Weeeea” Beatty!

Sorry, that’s a habit I picked up from my college film professor – I am unable to refer to Ned Beatty in any other way – he’s not Lex Luthor’s sidekick and although I liked him in Ed and His Dead Mother, Ned will always make me think of hillbilly buttsex.

Ah, the subject of hillbilly buttsex…although popularized by Quentin Tarantino in Pulp Fiction, its true roots are in the Georgia back-country, hiding among the gorges and riverbanks, not in an L.A. Pawnshop. I have to wonder though, was that a banjo I saw hanging on Zed and Maynard’s wall?

You sure got a purty mouth, boy....

Because of this film, the sound of banjos has become synonomous with hillbillies, moonshine and anal violation. I once dated a guy in High School that played Dueling Banjos on the stereo as we were driving to the movies – to see Amos and Andy, no less. Even though I had not seen Deliverance at that point in my life, I knew enough to not have a second date.

Hillbillies and banjo music have been enjoying a rennaisance these days, mostly due to the success of O Brother, Where Art Thou? Hillbilly buttsex, however, is not.

I never noticed until last night, how similar Deliverance is to another of Boorman’s films – The Emerald Forest. Of course, the natives of The Emerald Forest aren’t so inclined towards buttsex, but the Markham’s struggle against the river and the natives echoed that of the men of Deliverance. The theme of Industrial Destruction also ran heavily through both films, though the messages were very different – the destruction of the native people of the rainforest was depicted as tragic, while the destruction of the Hillbilliies’ natural habitat was seen as a godsend…I could go on for hours about these two films, side by side, but I won’t…although it makes me wonder if there were some similar elements that I missed in Excalibur…

As a side note, Russ hates this movie – he flat out refused to watch it again last night. Not that I mind – I should have been more concerned about the ex-boyfriend who did like the movie…enough to pick it for our film series, anyway.

This is the first film that I have been able to review that was a part of the doomed No Elvis Film Series. It was a small little venture ran mainly by myself, my ex and Professor Sean. As you can see from the flyer above, it was about as serious as a barrel of syphilitic monkeys – and just as fun! I hope to be able to review more of our picks, mostly so I can have an excuse to show off our wacky publicity posters.