Without a Paddle

February 2, 2007

If this movie was made in the 90s, it would have starred Rob Schneider or David Spade in the Seth Green role, Adam Sandler in the Matthew Lillard role and Matt Dillon or Brendan Fraser in the Dax Shepard role.

If this movie was made in the 80s, it would have starred Anthony Michael Hall in the Seth Green role, Emilio Estevez or Charlie Sheen in the Matthew Lillard role and either Judd Nelson or Charlie Sheen in the Dax Shepard role.

If this movie was made in the 70s, it would have starred Ned Beatty in the Seth Green role, Jon Voigt in the Matthew Lillard role and Burt Reynolds in the Dax Shepard role…and it would have been called Deliverance. I kid, I kid – this movie doesn’t have much in common with Deliverance besides Burt Reynolds and some city boys getting chased by locals on a rafting trip. Hmmm…that sounds pretty similar, actually. Instead of being chased by deranged hillbillies with buttsex on their mind, our three heroes find themselves chased by deranged pot farmers – they just want to kill the guys, not rape them. I guess what I’m saying is that this is not an original movie by a longshot and the characters are masterpieces of cliche. On top of that, the parts that didn’t remind me of Deliverance remind me of either Stand by Me or The Goonies.

Is Dax Shepard supposed to be sexy or funny or something? A few years ago, he was on Punk’d and now he’s getting all these prime roles. Did I miss the memo?

I like me some Seth Green though. I’ve had an eye on him since Something Special, which in my honest opinion, is a way better cross-dressing teen comedy than Just One of the Guys, mostly because the heroine actually WAKES UP WITH A PENIS. But I digress…Seth Green is hilarious in every single thing I’ve seen him in. He almost even made Buffy watchable. He’s got comic timing that can’t be beat. He also seems to appreciate ladies with lots of leg hair – that’s always a plus.

He’s such a sweetheart on My Name is Earl, I forgot how menacing Ethan Suplee can be. IMDb told me that his first big role was playing the bully on Boy Meets World, but I don’t ever remember watching that show (sober). Oh yeah, he was a total dick in American History X, too. And that other guy, he used to beat people up in that show, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. Did anybody else, besides me, even watch that show?

Not a total waste of time, but the syrupy happy ending really made me want to vomit. I hate it when a politically incorrect movie full of gay jokes and flying bags of poop gets all philosophical about the true meaning of life and how money isn’t really important. It’s horseshit, but I guess it puts asses in movie seats.