Santa Jaws

 

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What in the shit?

Rest assured, Santa Jaws is exactly as bad as I thought it would be. I had zero expectations going in, expecting some mindless, season-appropriate entertainment on Christmas night and this film fulfilled those expectations.

This kid gets a magic pen and it brings drawings to life, so he draws “Santa Jaws”, a killer shark that wears a Santa hat on its fin. Santa Jaws comes to life and eats his Grandpa, and then slowly works his way through the rest of the kid’s family and friends.

Throughout the film, Santa Jaws also acquires a Narwhal-like peppermint horn and festive teeth made out of Christmas lights. The protagonists attempt to conquer Santa Jaws with baked turkeys full of gunpowder. What kind of Christmas party requires 3 baked turkeys and several buckets of gunpowder? Outside of Texas, of course – that’s a totally normal party set-up here in the Lone Star State.

Per my husband, Santa Jaws is one of THE WORST films he has ever seen on SyFy and he has seen them all, from Mansquito to Sharknado.

On a side note, I found “Santa Jaws” wrapping paper on post-Christmas clearance at Target today. I totally bought it.



6-Headed Shark Attack

 

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How many heads could a 6-headed shark give, if a head-giving 6-headed shark could give head?

The set-up to the shark feeding frenzy is ridiculously frustrating. A bunch of couples are stranded on a desert island in Baja, in order to take part in Survivor-style Couples Therapy. If I wanted to watch a bunch of dysfunctional couples arguing, I’d just wait until the holidays. Every single one of them is an asshole – who cares if the 6-headed shark eats them?

I do not understand the dynamics of the 6-headed shark. Unlike the 5-headed shark, all of the heads are up front – no butthole heads on this shark. The 6-headed shark looks like Patrick Star with an erection. Also, when angered, the 6-headed shark may bite off one of his own heads. I don’t even fucking know anymore, guys.

I will never unsee the sight of that dipshit 6-headed shark walking like a crab, on the tips of 4 of its shark-noses. Why? Does The Asylum even science?

The Asylum does NOT science, as evidenced by the ending. I feel like it was supposed to be an homage to the ending of the original Jaws, with the oxygen tanks and flare gun. Don’t they know that the Mythbusters already debunked that???

Pet Sematary II

 

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Remember the early 90s, when Edward Furlong was in every fucking movie? What a time to be alive.

I can’t remember for sure, but I might even have seen it in the theater? Or maybe we just rented it – I feel like my mind is going…I cannot remember things like that anymore!

This movie has fuck-all to do with the original, except for the Pet Sematary itself. I mean, the bad teens tell the crazy story of the Creed Murders, but that’s it. Oh, and the nutty ass Vet talks about Church.

Oh, and I blew my kids’ minds when I told then that the bad guy Gus was also Mr. Krabs.

I need to find the soundtrack in a flea market or something – I forgot how good it was. L7 Shitlist, more famous for appearing in Natural Born Killers just a few years later. The rest is just BAU, heavy 90s stuff.

It was really unclear to me in that nightmare scene – was Anthony Edwards having sex with that dog? I mean, he was dreaming about having sex with his ex-wife and she had the dog’s head. He wakes up, mid-thrust and O-face, and the dog is on top of him. My husband says NO, because he was still wearing his slacks, but I don’t know…

We all agreed that this one wasn’t as good as the first one, but still a fun watch. Now Lily wants to watch Carrie – I cannot WAIT to see if it traumatizes her as much as it did me!

The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time

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I don’t care what they call that damn movie, I really doubt it’s the last one. (Are you sensing a certain cynicality in me, when it comes to franchises? You’re goddamn right you are!)

As the last film ended, everyone on the planet was dead I think, except Fin. His son showed up with a time machine…and that’s right where Sharknado 6 picked up. Fin ended up in the Jurassic period and oh look! There’s Tara Reid riding a Pterodactyl. Or was it a “Tara-dactyl”?

As the shark-fighting team travels through history fighting Sharknados, they also travel from continent to continent. Not sure where they started in Dinosaur-land, but they make appearances at King Arthur’s Court (Excalibur was really a chainsaw), the American Revolution, wherever Billy the Kid was hanging out at, then San Francisco in 1996, and then…the far off future full of Tara Reid Clones wearing tinfoil hats. We truly had no idea what the fuck was going on. And I don’t mean that in a delightful way.

The cameos were fast and furious this go-round. And weird…very, very weird. Alaska Thunderfuck as Morgana (le Fey?); Deanna Troi; Neil deGrasse Tyson as Merlin; The Offspring (the band), literally telling the American Revolution Cavalry to “Come out and play”; Leslie Jordan as Benjamin Franklin; Darrell Hammond as George Washington (but doing his Bill Clinton impression…so weird); Ben Stein as Alexander Hamilton; Dee Snyder; Murr from Impractical Jokers; Gilbert Gottfried (again); Tori Spelling and her gross cheating/anal sex-obsessed husband as Fin’s parents; Peter Brady as Nova’s grandfather; Doc from The Love Boat; LaToya Jackson as Cleopatra; James Hong as Confucius; and Al Roker (also again).

I take it back, this really has to be the last one. There’s no where else to go, right? RIGHT?

Lake Placid: Legacy

I told you so. The Final Chapter is never, EVER, the final chapter. There’s always another chapter. And sometimes, even another chapter after that!

The film starts in Las Vegas, with some kind of break-in, but not to steal something. They were hanging a banner. Whooooooa, what a bunch of badasses. I think they are supposed to be a group of environmental activists? In any case, the whole crew is dared to go explore a secret facility…full of giant fucking killer crocodiles.

I don’t know what the fuck was even going on the rest of the movie – it was so fuck-all boring! At one point, Joey Pants showed up, tied to a chair. No toupee, which was really weird. That just goes to show how low-budget this shitty film was – they couldn’t afford a toupee for Joe Pantoliano.

Were these even the same crocodiles from the other 5 movies? I found no relationship at all between this movie and the other five. No game wardens, no hillbillies, no mean old crocodile-feeding ladies – just a bunch of kids getting eaten, one by one. Holy fuck, were they trying to reboot the franchise? What assholes! Much like the horrible Leprechaun reboot, they left out everything good about the franchise. Assholes!

Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies

There has been nothing on my TV but the Winter Olympics for the last 2 weeks…so why not just go with it and watch a movie full of Snowboarders? I’m talking Mountain Dew, baby!

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Obviously, I was drawn in by the title of the movie – Lederhosen Zombies! I was disappointed to find there was exactly ONE Lederhosen Zombie, although there were quite a few Dirndl Zombies. Attack of the Dirndl Zombies just doesn’t have the same ring to it?

I guess there could be hidden lederhosen underneath the guy’s Snowboarder gear…devil’s advocate, ya know. And yes, I said Snowboarder gear. The film is Snowboarders vs. Zombies. Not just people, there are also zombie deer. Those zombie deer are fucking horrifying!

I noticed a few nods to classic horror deaths. Death by Espresso Machine was previously seen in Leprechaun 2. There was a nice Lost Boys moment as a lederhosen zombie was impaled on antlers, with our “hero” quoting, “Nice rack.” There’s a push snowblower scene that’s awesomely reminiscent of the lawnmower scene in Dead Alive. Dead Alive is a good yardstick for the level of gore and ridiculousness in Lederhosen Zombies – it’s at THAT level. It’s fucking great.

My husband warned that it’s a dumb waste of time, but I enjoyed the Lederhosen-less Zombies. It would be great for a family movie night.

5 Headed Shark Attack

In case you’re wondering, there’s no 4 Headed Shark Attack movie – the franchise skips straight from 3 Headed Shark Attack to 5 Headed Shark Attack. This kind of makes sense…because for the first half of the movie, the shark only has 4 heads…but for no discernable reason, the shark sprouts a 5th head out of its butt. Literally, the shark’s 5th head is its butthole. You can’t make this shit up.

Sadly, there are not even any C-list stars to bear witness to the carnage. The closest is Chris Bruno, who I vaguely remember from a brief stint on All My Children in the 90s. (Don’t judge me.) I’m not saying that I only watch these movies to see “celebs” debase themselves by running from mutant sharks…but I’m not saying that it isn’t.

There’s really not a lot to say about this movie…EXCEPT that they try to use dolphin recordings to scare the shark, because dolphins are the only thing that scare sharks. SEE! I fucking told you! Dolphins are the most fucking horrifying creatures in the ocean! Even a Great White Shark with a shark-face for its butthole is absolutely terrified of dolphins!

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

After destroying every landmark in America over the last four movies, the 5th Sharknado movie goes global, with the latest Sharknado erupting out of a cave beneath Stonehenge.

There’s not much to the plot. The Sharknado came back and now it can teleport you to anywhere on the planet. Yup, it can pick you up in Switzerland and then drop you in Australia. Sure…why not? It’s a great plot device.

The Sharknado took out Stonehenge, Big Ben, London Bridge (someone actually got to say “London Bridge is falling down”), the Swiss Alps, the Rio Dr Janeiro Jesus, the colosseum, the pyramids of Giza…and eventually, the entire planet.

Also, I would be remiss if I did not mention SHARKZILLA. It’s a toxic waste Sharknado shaped like Godzilla that destroys Tokyo. Really.

Since the movie starts out in London, I feel like there were celebrities I wasn’t aware of…but here are the ones I did catch…Cameo Roll Call: Chris Kattan, Clay Aiken with a bad British accent, Samantha Fox, Katie Price, Bret Michaels (gets hit by a double-decker bus, but why is he in London?), Charo as the Queen of England, David Naughton, Nichelle Nichols, Geraldo Rivera, Olivia Newton-John and her plastic surgery-addicted daughter, Tony Hawk, Tiffany “New York” Pollard with a bad Brazilian accent, Fabio as the pope (and proferer of the holy chainsaw), Margaret Cho, Al Roker with Hoda and Kathie Lee, Bai Ling, Gilbert Gottfried, and Dolph Lundgren in a very, very bizarre cameo with a flux capacitor made out of a possum.

It made my son and I sad when Fin raised his holy chainsaw in the air and proclaimed, “I am not throwing away my shot.” Just…no. I know LMM, and you sir…are NO LMM.

Let the record show that I totally called the ending of the film about 45 minutes in…not the ending of the film per se, but the fact that the NEXT Sharknado will have to include time travel. Just ask my kids…they’ll back me up. I absolutely fucking called it.

I wasn’t any more or less disappointed with #5 than any of the previous Sharknados. Frankly, I’m impressed that they’ve kept it going this long. I can’t even be mad. Did you know that Ian Ziering made half a million dollars for Sharknado?

Trailer Park Shark

That Tara Reid, she sure does have bad luck with sharks.

Tara Reid isn’t the only C-list celeb on board. The REAL star is Thomas Ian Nicholas, coincidentally Tara Reid’s boyfriend in American Pie. He’s the asskicking trailer park dude, who fixes everything with duct tape. Also, we’ve got Mr. Belding (the principal from Saved by the Bell) as the evil land developer that orchestrates the levee explosion that leads to the shark invasion of the trailer park. Yeah…a shark (singular) invades a flooded trailer park. The shark also has electric powers like an eel. Okay….

Tara Reid doesn’t even show up until an hour into the movie, marooned on top of a trailer. She’s got 5 minutes in the film, tops. Also, she throws a pink flamingo – the shark was not impressed.

I’ve always dreamed of seeing a horse eaten by a a shark…and now that dream has come true.

Also, the main bad guy’s name is “Swayze” – I giggled every time they said it. Or was it because he was a white guy with cornrows? Either or.

This entry into the Sharkolympics was actually on the funnier end of the spectrum. Most of the laughs were intentional, although quite a few were not. Like…why do they call jet-skis “skidoos”? And why do they pronounce Go-Pro as “gah-PRO”? WHY?

Mississippi River Sharks

Two Londons for the price of one!

Jason London (Dazed and Confused) stars as “himself” – a fictionalized version of the actor, who stars in the “Shark Bites” movie franchise. He must have a pretty good sense of humor, because he plays “himself” as an utter douchebag. I couldn’t help but wonder if this was a dig at Ian Ziering’s Sharknado fame? Or maybe I’m just projecting…but I’m fairly certain that Ziering just doesn’t play a douche on TV. Jeremy London (Mallrats) has a brief, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo, but it’s a good chuckle.

As you may have guessed, the plot of the film is sharks entering the mouth of the Mississippi River and eating people. No backstory, no particular reason WHY there are sharks in the Mighty Mississip – they just ARE. I was hoping the sharks would make it to St. Louis, but they only made it 100 miles or so up the river. Boo.

Bonus points to Mississippi River Sharks for giving the film a strong, smart heroine AND an interracial couple. The diversity is appreciated, especially in a film full of rednecks. Even though there are a couple of good one-liners, the film is boring and has ridiculously lame CGI. It was so bad, that the kids were talking shit to the screen. How bad does your CGI have to be that a nine year old is unimpressed? I tried to get my son to make a shark movie in our pond, but the snakes in our pond are scary enough to keep him from wanting to flail around in it.

Fun fact…the opening sequence takes place on the New Orleans Riverboat Natchez. My friend Gingher got married on that very same boat back in 2000…and I got severely seasick and had a panic attack. Good times.