Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

August 9, 2017

After destroying every landmark in America over the last four movies, the 5th Sharknado movie goes global, with the latest Sharknado erupting out of a cave beneath Stonehenge.

There’s not much to the plot. The Sharknado came back and now it can teleport you to anywhere on the planet. Yup, it can pick you up in Switzerland and then drop you in Australia. Sure…why not? It’s a great plot device.

The Sharknado took out Stonehenge, Big Ben, London Bridge (someone actually got to say “London Bridge is falling down”), the Swiss Alps, the Rio Dr Janeiro Jesus, the colosseum, the pyramids of Giza…and eventually, the entire planet.

Also, I would be remiss if I did not mention SHARKZILLA. It’s a toxic waste Sharknado shaped like Godzilla that destroys Tokyo. Really.

Since the movie starts out in London, I feel like there were celebrities I wasn’t aware of…but here are the ones I did catch…Cameo Roll Call: Chris Kattan, Clay Aiken with a bad British accent, Samantha Fox, Katie Price, Bret Michaels (gets hit by a double-decker bus, but why is he in London?), Charo as the Queen of England, David Naughton, Nichelle Nichols, Geraldo Rivera, Olivia Newton-John and her plastic surgery-addicted daughter, Tony Hawk, Tiffany “New York” Pollard with a bad Brazilian accent, Fabio as the pope (and proferer of the holy chainsaw), Margaret Cho, Al Roker with Hoda and Kathie Lee, Bai Ling, Gilbert Gottfried, and Dolph Lundgren in a very, very bizarre cameo with a flux capacitor made out of a possum.

It made my son and I sad when Fin raised his holy chainsaw in the air and proclaimed, “I am not throwing away my shot.” Just…no. I know LMM, and you sir…are NO LMM.

Let the record show that I totally called the ending of the film about 45 minutes in…not the ending of the film per se, but the fact that the NEXT Sharknado will have to include time travel. Just ask my kids…they’ll back me up. I absolutely fucking called it.

I wasn’t any more or less disappointed with #5 than any of the previous Sharknados. Frankly, I’m impressed that they’ve kept it going this long. I can’t even be mad. Did you know that Ian Ziering made half a million dollars for Sharknado?