Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!

You know, if Mark Cuban ran for president, I’d probably vote for him. Sure, he’s as big a dick as Trump, but he hasn’t filed for bankruptcy half a dozen times. That being said, I’d probably vote for David Hasselhoff before any of the assholes we have running right now. In the first movie, Sharknado […]

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus

First the Mega Shark fought a Giant Octopus. Then there was the Crocosaurus. Next, the Mecha Shark. And now…Kolossus. Kolossus is Cold War era robot weapon, powered by red mercury. Why does Kolossus look like it’s made out of meat? It’s like when you lift the flap on the back of the box of bacon […]

Jurassic World

I’ll spare you the lame jokes about how this summer’s crop of blockbusters is a throwback to the 90s – dinosaurs, terminators and vacations, oh my! (OK, maybe just one…) Chris Pratt’s earnest animal trainer was the perfect foil to the rest of the cast’s perfectly clich├ęd villains. There was never a moment that the […]

The Lost World: Jurassic Park

I don’t remember much of 1997, but I know I somehow missed watching The Lost World. I think I’ve seen bits and pieces in passing, but I’ve never sat down and watched it intentionally… Plan B…or in this case, Island B. Of course, there’s a second island, where they’ve bred the dinosaurs and allowed them […]

Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park made me start smoking. True story. I clearly remember going to see Jurassic Park back in High School with my mom and sister (at the Tomball Cinema 7, no less). I ran into the vice principal’s son (who I later liaised with sadly and briefly), and he gave me a clove cigarette. That […]

Robocroc

Robocroc takes place in a magical place where a zoo, recreational lake, water park and ATV track are all within walking, actually swimming distance. Where is this magical place? I want to vacation there! Actually, NO. I do not want to vacation there, because the water supplies ate all connected…which means the lake that contains […]

Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys

A horror movie about bloodsucking fish…starring Shannen Doherty and Christopher Lloyd…made by The Asylum…on Animal Planet? I know – I’m confused, too. Since when does Animal Planet show movies? Oh yeah…I forgot about Mermaids: The Body Found. Plus, they run a Puppy Super Bowl…it’s not like we’re talking about a bastion of hard-hitting journalism. There’s […]

Ghost Shark

When a Ghost Shark eats you, where do you go? I don’t mean metaphysically, as in what happens when you die. I mean literally – where do the parts of you that the Ghost Shark swallowed go? Are they instantaneously dissolved by Ghost Shark’s ectoplasm? Or are they digested more slowly, like a regular shark […]

Tasmanian Devils

The first five minutes was the best…Apolo Anton Ohno basejumps in New Zealand, falls into a hole and is impaled on a stalagmite that looks suspiciously like a Judas Cradle. It looked slightly less painful and embarrassing than appearing on Dancing with the Stars. It’s all downhill from there. Winnie Cooper plays a hot American […]

Chupacabra vs. the Alamo

Chupacabras…Erik Estrada…Texas landmarks…it’s like the SyFy Channel is making movies just for me! The SyFy formula is in full effect. Erik Estrada plays a widowed DEA Agent. His estranged son is a gangbanger and his daughter is a sullen teenager. At least he doesn’t buy her a chupacabra as a graduation present. His daughter encounters […]