August 2, 2015

If two heads are better than one, are three heads better than two?

So…the 3 Headed Shark is angered by ocean pollution, but it eats the sea garbage, which drives it insane and it starts attacking. This movie makes no fucking sense. It is also somehow a sequel to 2 Headed Shark Attack, but HOW??? There are none of the same characters and no relationship is implied between the 2 Headed and 3 Headed Sharks. I need continuity, dammit!

Danny Trejo is the “big” name in the film, along with Rob Van Dam (some wrestler I’ve never heard of until now), Jaason Simmons (also in Sharknado, and Karrueche Tran (Chris Brown’s ex-girlfriend). Bottom of the barrel, they have scraped.

Not enough Machete! He showed up about two thirds of the way through to save the day…with a machete, of course. Unfortunately, when he cut off the middle head, three more baby shark heads grew back. 5 headed Shark attack!

Boring. Not funny. My shark-crazy seven year old daughter actually asked, “Is it almost over?” Yup, shitty movie.

Year – 2015
Rating – TV-14
Runtime – minutes
Genre – Shark Shit
Director(s) – Christopher Ray
Writer(s) – Jacob Cooney, Bill Hanstock
Actor(s) – Jena Sims, Danny Trejo, Karrueche Tran, Jaason Simmons, Rob Van Dam
BOB Rating – One BOB
Favorite Quote – "Send that thing back to hell, would ya?" - Stanley (Rob Van Dam)