Alien Apocalypse

April 8, 2005

Somehow, Bruce Campbell has ended up on the same boat as Corey Feldman and Vanessa Angel – the Sci Fi Channel stock player boat. I understand Bruce, I really do. You gotta make a living. And I know that your mug has amazing value in the sci fi world – why give up and guest on a sitcom or land a bit part in a crime procedural? There’s no shame in straight-to-cable schlock. But seriously, Bruce – Alien Apocalypse SUCKED.

The apocalypse in question occurred when space termites (yes, I said termites) landed on Earth and conquered it in order to obtain our precious natural resources – shades of V? Wood is a delicacy on their planet, so they are exporting it…not because they are starving – but for profit. Right. Anyway, wood is heavy, so they have enslaved the human race to work in sawmills. The part I don’t understand is why the space termites use other humans as slave drivers. What’s the benefit? I guess space termites are lazy? Oh yeah – and they’re also carnivorous and eat human fingers.

Bruce Campbell is Dr. Ivan Hood, DO. Yes, he’s a DO, not an MD. Not sure why it’s such a big deal, but he goes on and on, talking about how Osteopathy gets no respect – how that’s relevant to the film, I’ll never know. (One of my best friends is studying to be a DO, she also worries about the lack of respect toward her career path – maybe it’s just a DO thing.) Anyway, he’s ALSO an astronaut and he crash lands back on earth after a 40 year mission only to find space termites in charge of the planet.

Now at this point, you’d think that the Ash-style ass-kicking would start – that’s what the commercials led me to believe! But, nooooooooooooo! What does he do instead? He treks to find the president, HEALING people along the way. No thank you – I would like some boomsticks, please.

Bruce, I don’t hate you or anything. I’m not even mad anymore. I just want what’s best for you…what’s best for US. So Bruce, please, read the script BEFORE you agree to star in another Sci Fi Channel movie.