Mongolian Death Worm

June 16, 2010

What is the Mongolian Death Worm? A parasite you might catch from a hooker in Ulan Bator? A new sushi roll at Todai? The title of Dethklok’s newest album? A pet name for my husband’s penis? Maybe a new ride at Six Flags? A brand new SyFy Original Movie, starring Young Indiana Jones?

There are actually two correct answers…I’ll let you figure out which two.

Sean Patrick Flannery, who I still get confused with Robert Sean Leonard AND Flannery O’Connor, is the “big” star of Mongolian Death Worm. He plays an Indiana Jones-like adventurer in search of Genghis Khan’s tomb, which happens to be guarded by the titular nematode. I was totally shocked to find that the Mongolian Death Worm is a real mythological creature – don’t believe me, check Wikipedia! But does the Worm have what it takes to join the likes of Bigfoot, Nessy or the Chupacabra? By “what it takes,” I mean, does the Worm have enough movies to make a full day marathon on SyFy? Not yet, but if you include all worm movies, Tremors, Dune and maybe Slither, you’ve got a whole day’s worth.

Speaking of Tremors, it’s impossible to NOT compare the Mongolian Death Worm to the Graboids. Although the Graboids are longer, they are very similar, albeit less fakey than the CGI Death Worms. Both prefer eating people whole, occasionally vomiting blood for dramatic effect. Graboids, however, don’t contaminate the groundwater with cholera. Size matters when it comes to anything worm-like, so in a fight, I’d have to give the advantage to the Graboids.

Isn’t Mongolia known for being cold as shit? Why was everyone wearing a T-shirt or a tank top? Wherever they filmed it, it was hot enough that there were waves coming off the ground. As a matter of fact, it looked a lot like Texas. The sheriff, although Asian, wore a cowboy hat, had a mustache and drove an F-150. (They have sheriffs in Mongolia?) It wasn’t just the sheriff, there were lots of cowboy hats and pick-up trucks. Come to think of it, the whole film takes place in an oil refinery…shouldn’t the movie have been called Texas Death Worm?

It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad enough to make The Soup, so Mongolian Death Worm earns a solid “meh.”