November 21, 2006
November 21, 2006
Starring Alyssa Milano’s boobages.
I can’t remember the last time I saw so much gratuitous boobage in a movie. Maybe she thought that showing off her Micellis would prove to the world that she’s a big girl now? It worked pretty well for Drew Barrymore, didn’t it? Drew gets millions of dollars a film now. Too bad that getting naked and doing the nasty didn’t do the same for Alyssa – she’s still the same b-list TV star that she was in the 80s. The $64,000 question is…now that Charmed is canceled and Aaron Spelling is dead, how much longer before Alyssa dusts off her nipples and makes a skin flick comeback?
Poison Ivy 2 may be the zenith of Alyssa Milano’s skanky period, but it’s the bottom of the barrel as far as the film trilogy goes. Alyssa plays Lily, a Michigan girl who moves to California to go to Art School. She finds a box of stuff in her room that belonged to the previous tenant, supposedly Ivy from the first film. (I’m not going to boggle my mind wondering how High school girl Ivy was in Art School before she showed up in the first movie.) Naked pictures of Ivy and her dated 90s clothes turn Alyssa into a total slutbag. She cuts off all her hair and seduces her roommate. (What’s the big deal? It sounds exactly like my first summer in college.) About halfway through the film, I was ready to say that this may be the best of the three…but after that point (the Halloween Party) – absolutely nothing happened. She only seduced two people – her boyfriend and her art teacher. She never even closed the deal with the art teacher, although he ended up raping her later, during Thanksgiving dinner. She didn’t even kill anybody! What kind of poison ivy is she, anyway?
Thank god for Johnathon Schaech. If it were anybody else getting naked, I would have turned the movie off after the first fifteen minutes. The blond hair confused me, but I guess that was to make him look more “arty.” Personally, I liked him better with the Jesus penis tattoo. (That’s a tattoo of Jesus on his penis, not a tattoo of Jesus’s penis.)
The worst part was the ending – it had a happy ending. The hell? Alyssa apologizes for being such a skank and getting herself raped by the art teacher. Johnathon forgives her and they make sweet love inside one of his sculptures. Again I ask, WHAT THE HELL?
Rating – R
Runtime – 106 minutes
Genre – Teenage Slut Sequel
Director(s) – Anne Goursaud
Writer(s) – Chloe King
Actor(s) – Alyssa Milano, Johnathon Schaech, Xander Berkeley, Belinda Bauer, Camilla Belle
BOB Rating – One BOB
Favorite Quote – "Wait a minute. First you cut off all your hair, then you pierced your belly button, now you're smoking! What the hell is going on with you?" - Tanya (Kathryne Dora Brown)