March 22, 2005

My husband and I have a contest of sorts going – nothing official, but from time to time, we record movies on cable for later viewing. The theme lately has been ‘who can find the worst possible movie to force the other to sit through.’ Although he had recently become the front runner by choosing Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys, I was coming up in the ranks with Old Dracula. That is, until we watched another one of his selections – Vampirella.

I’ve never read the comic book, but I know what Vampirella is supposed to look like – sexy. THIS is not sexy. Talisa Soto is an attractive lady, but her costume is just retarded. It looks like a Wal-Mart swimsuit. As this was an ultra low budget flick, wouldn’t less fabric be more economical?

I also hope to hell that the comic books have a better plot than the movie. Vampirella is from a “vampire planet” called Drakulon, where it’s people drink from rivers of blood…right…and where does this blood come from? Is it naturally occurring, like an underground spring? Anyway, the bad guy, Vlad, decides to drink from people instead and kills Vampirella’s step-father. Vlad and his posse escape to Earth, with Vampirella hot on their tail…unfortunately, Vampirella is an idiot and crashes her ship on Mars….where she is stranded for 30 centuries. Luckily, astronauts *finally* make it to Mars and she stowes away for the return trip to Earth. Too bad she didn’t know that one of the astronauts was John Landis – she could have asked for his autograph.

Back to the bad guy – Vlad. Why do people keep letting Roger Daltrey act? Are they under the impression that his celebrity will lead people to view the film when they ordinarily wouldn’t? Okay, maybe that’s a fair assumption – but a cruel, cruel trick to play on a movie-goer. Vlad is another one of those vampires hiding in plain site – he’s taken a page from The Vampire Lestat and is masquerading as a rock star – Jamie Blood. Daltrey even performs a song in the film – best to either mute it or fast forward.

A putrid waste of celluloid – somehow, it manages to be worse than most of Wynorski’s films – and I’ve seen a lot of them, even Busty Cops and The Bare Wench Project.


Year – 1996
Rating – R
Runtime – 82 minutes
Genre – Comic Book Adaptation
Director(s) – Jim Wynorski
Writer(s) – Forest J. Ackerman, Gary Gerani
Actor(s) – Talisa Soto, Roger Daltrey, Brian Bloom, Richard Joseph Paul, Corinna Harney
BOB Rating – ZERO BOBs
Favorite Quote – "Ella...Vampire...VAMPIRELLA!" - Some computer geek