March 23, 2003

How is it possible that while watching the best film I’ve seen so far this year, I had the worst film-watching experience I have ever had in my entire life?

Review after review, I complain that my husband won’t ever take me to the movies. Poor me, whenever he does take me to see a movie, it’s a month after release and WHYYYYYYYYYYY? Now I know why. He’s old. Guess what? After last weekend, I realized that I’m old too. My sister and I foolishly decided to go see Willard at 7:20…at a “kid” mall. What’s a “kid” mall? It’s a mall full of fucking kids, you idiot! I couldn’t hear the movie for shit and did I really need to hear a twelve year old girl crying every time a rat appeared on screen?

Aside from the distraction of the mating rituals of the suburban teen, Willard was everything I hoped for and more. No one else except Crispin Glover could have played Willard. It’s just not possible. His quiet dementia bled through the role. Although the rest of the cast was adequate, even great – this was really a one man show. I can see it in the lights of Broadway now. If Carrie could do it, why not Willard?

Calista Flockhart was really intense as Willard’s infirm mother. I know she’s no stranger to vomiting – what a trooper she was to bring her real life experience to the role. The bodily fluids that came out of that woman deserve an Oscar.

R. Lee Ermey brought his usual flair to the role. Yeah, he was an asshole – just like every other asshole he’s ever played. What stood out the most about his character was his appalling taste in porn!

Rats are not one of my phobias. They don’t do much for me, but Ben was fucking disturbing. Ben was a fucking NUTRIA. How the hell did a Louisiana swamp rat get into Willard’s house? Predictably, Michael Jackson’s Ben was played at the appropriate point. Unpredictably, Crispin Glover sang a heart-wrenching version during the closing credits. When does the Soundtrack go on sale?

I will probably go see Willard again before it leaves the theater. And trust me, it will be while school’s in session.

Year – 2003
Rating – PG-13
Runtime – 100 minutes
Genre – Remake
Director(s) – Glen Morgan
Writer(s) – Gilbert Ralston
Actor(s) – Crispin Glover, R. Lee Ermey, Laura Harring
BOB Rating – Four BOBs
Favorite Quote – "Start over?!?! I haven't even begun yet!!!" - Willard (Crispin Glover)