Shark Assault

Shark Assault (AKA Shark Week) is a rip-off of Saw, except all the “games” include sharks. Patrick Bergin (best known for stalking Julia Roberts) is Mr. Tiburon (shark en espanol), a crazy old coot bent on avenging his son’s death. He kidnaps those he feels contributed to his son’s death and forces them into bizarre […]

Sharknado

So now the rest of the planet knows what Joel McHale and I have known all along…SyFy movies are the shit! Oops, that was a typo – I meant to say, “are shit!” Yes, social media was buzzing in the weeks leading up to the premier of SyFy‘s latest entry in the improbable animal/natural disaster […]

Bigfoot

I saw this movie so long ago, I don’t even know where to start. Alice Cooper gets killed by Bigfoot. That’s pretty much all you need to know about this movie to make you want to watch it. (That’s not a spoiler – it was in the commercial.) Since Tiffany and Debbie Gibson smearing cake […]

Snakes on a Train

I do not like snakes on my plane. I do not like snakes on my train. I do not like snakes in my mouth. I do not like snakes biting me down south. I do not like snakes – one little bit. I do not like this movie either – it sucks total shit. Snakes […]

Princess of Mars

I doubt that this is the first time that Traci Lords has sprayed someone with her piss on film. It was a cheap shot, I’m sorry Traci. After reading her autobiography, I actually kind of like her…although that’s not the main reason I subjected myself to watching her drool over Antonio Sabato Jr. while dressed […]

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus

I was disappointed that not a single character uttered the immortal line, “Did I do that?” How could they hire Steve Urkel without acknowledging his status as the 3rd greatest nerd ever? (In case you’re wondering, Lewis Skolnick and Farmer Ted are 1st and 2nd.) I can’t argue with The Asylum’s formula, washed-up stars from […]

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid

If you had asked me back in 6th grade who would win in a catfight, I totally would have picked Tiffany over Debbie Gibson. I never thought the day would actually come when I would get to SEE a Tiffany/Debbie Gibson catfight…complete with them smearing cake all over each other’s breasts… The Asylum is back […]

Mega Piranha

I should’ve known that between The Soup and Web Soup, I’d already seen all the good parts of this film. Speaking of one the best parts, the part when the piranha ass-kicker shoots a helicopter pilot in the face with a flare gun, oh yeah while the guy is FLYING the helicopter he’s in…I managed […]