April 1, 2012

I do not like snakes on my plane. I do not like snakes on my train. I do not like snakes in my mouth. I do not like snakes biting me down south. I do not like snakes – one little bit. I do not like this movie either – it sucks total shit.

Snakes on a Train is The Asylum‘s attempt at cashing in on the media frenzy that preceded Snakes on a Plane. Why not, right? I can’t wait to see what method of mass transit is attacked by snakes next. Snakes on a Bus? Snakes on a Boat? Snakes in the HOV Lane?

I kept waiting for a hero to show up, but there was no Samuel L. Jackson type in sight. I guess they didn’t really need one. The first snakes were tiny – they looked like garter snakes. And they didn’t bite, they burrow into your skin and slither around just under the surface. I don’t know what the snakes were doing in there, but there was a lot of green slime vomit. Then a ball python appeared – slightly more impressive. By the last 20 minutes, the snakes were fucking anaconda size and eating people’s faces. It ate a 10 year old! And then a snake at the train. (That’s not a typo – a snake ate the entire train.) Fuck this movie.

I don’t know what’s worse – a big budget Hollywood movie about snakes that’s bad or a low budget Indie movie about snakes that’s bad. To me, budget doesn’t matter, as long as I’m not bored. Unfortunately, I was bored as shit.

Year – 2006
Rating – R
Runtime – 91 minutes
Genre – Snakes using Mass Transit
Director(s) – Peter Mervis
Writer(s) – Eric Forsberg
Actor(s) – A.J. Castro, Julia Ruiz, Giovanni Bejarano, Al Galvez, Amelia Jackson-Gray
BOB Rating – One BOB
Favorite Quote – "You are full of snakes. they want to come out." - Brujo (A.J. Castro)