Wonder Woman 1984

 

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It wasn’t THAT bad…but yeah, it was definitely not a good movie, per se…or even a mediocre one, because its failures were spectacular in scope…dammit, okay, I’m dancing around it. Wonder Woman 1984 was bad.

Bad is purely subjective when it comes to the DCEU…it surely wasn’t the worst – see Batman v Superman for example – but since the first Wonder Woman is clearly the best so far, it makes it all the more obvious that WW84 just doesn’t stack up. It’s a rehash of old plots…almost as if Superman 2 arrived to an 80s themed party with an Infinity Stone in one hand and a Monkey’s Paw in the other. That’s as spoilery as I will get, as there may be a few out there who haven’t seen it yet.

Kristen Wiig was wasted as Cheetah. Her character was the most fun to watch, even though her character arc was ridiculous. She was doing the best she could with the horrible material she got.

The internet has decided that Wonder Woman raped that poor guy who was unfortunate enough to host the personality of Steve Trevor. It’s an interesting ethical question to be sure – which entity is more important, the mind or the body it presently inhabits. I’m assuming the screenwriter intended the ethical dilemma, or why not have a naked Steve Trevor fall out of the sky? Even so, this brings up questions for any piece of media with body-swapping. Was Sam Beckett getting folks raped in every episode of Quantum Leap (maybe)? Ooooh, was Elizabeth Perkins a child molester in Big (yikes, but kinda)? Wait..was Steve Trevor sexually assaulting his host body every time he took his dick out to pee??? Ultimately, it matters little whether Wonder Woman raped that guy or not…she’s the daughter of Zeus, a god known for having his way with every living creature that crossed his path. How can you apply human laws to a god?

There were a few joyful moments in the film. The invisible jet was fun, although I have a hard time believing that The Smithsonian keeps fueled jets in the backlot and an even harder time believing that WWI era Steve Trevor could fly one. The after-credits scene made me giddy…I shrieked!

An ideal ending for ME would’ve been Bruce Wayne wishing his parents back to life, only to have them disappear 15 minutes later, which in turn, is what drives him to become Batman, in order to KILL Wonder Woman. Yes, THAT would’ve been an interesting twist.

I’d love to say that I have high hopes for the already greenlighted Wonder Woman 3, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Richard Pryor might show up…

Aquaman

 

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I’m not sure which one of us started it, but my son and I have been calling this movie ‘Wet Thor’ for months and months. On the surface, the comparison between the two is obvious – long-haired, built like a god, kinda dumb. Once I’d finished the film though, my opinion had changed – it’s not ‘Wet Thor’, it’s ‘Wet Panther’.

There are so many more similarities between the ascension of Aquaman and Black Panther’s battles against Killmonger. Of course, Aquaman is the interloper, not the crown prince, but you get where I’m going. Atlantis is a technologically advanced secret world, hiding right under our noses – kinda like Wakanda. There are several warring tribes in Atlantis, just like Wakanda. Neither world has a Starbucks, either – just saying…

Just as Black Panther has a strong woman by his side in Nakia (or two if you count Okoye), Aquaman has Mera. I was expecting to hate Amber Heard, but she wasn’t as annoying as I thought she would be. I mean – she’s not a particularly good actress, but she isn’t horrible. I loved her hair so much that I died my hair the same shade of red the very same day we saw the film. (What, you don’t keep a rainbow of hair dye in your bathroom like I do?)

Aquaman’s dad is Boba Fett’s dad! They are brothers!

De-aging was used A LOT in this film. Yes, it was cute how they made Aquaman’s parents look younger in the prologue – makes sense. The REAL SCIENCE though, was how they made Willem Dafoe look young and sexy again. It was The Last Temptation of Vulko.

There was one part of the film that divided our family completely – the octopus playing the bongos. While my husband thought it was completely cheesy and ridiculous, the rest of us liked it. My daughter even said it was her favorite part! (The low point for me was when they ended up in Jurassic World – no spoilers, but that part was bullshit.)

Ultimately, Aquaman succeeds because of its complete separation from the rest of the Justice League. The only threats were encapsulated in Aquaman’s world – no need to get the rest of thise assholes involved. Kudos to James Wan! Can we just keep getting goid standalone feautures like Wonder Woman and Aquaman, instead the trainwreck DC ensembles?

On a side noteotee, previews were mostly ones I’d seen – Avengers: Endgame, the Hellboy reboot (as much as I love Ron Perlman’s Hellboy, I ain’t even mad about this reboot), The Lego Movie 2 – but I had not see the one for Detective Pikachu. As the only one in my household who is not a Pokemaster, I know I wouldn’t get even half of the film…but it still looks kinda cute. This summer is gonna get expensive!

Justice League

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Did they really start off the film with that horrible CGI of Superman’s face?

Raise your hand if you thought Superman was going to stay dead…If any of you have your hands raised, then I assure you, Spider-Man, Black Panther and Starlord will also be staying dead.

Bruce Wayne’s dialogue is so ridiculously cliched that I was literally finishing his sentences under my breath…and annoying my family the whole time. That’s not Batfleck’s fault, of course…but his delivery is atrocious. He just needs to STOP. Shockingly, my husband likes him as middle aged Batman. Sure, I agree he’s better than George Clooney and Val Kilmer, but not much. Maybe I’m just biased against Nanny-Fuckers?

Honestly, it’s not all horrible. Aquaman is…well, Jason Momoa, in all his…Momoa-ness? His cocky Aquaman was the perfect counterpoint to both Batfleck’s snooty rich attitude and Aquaman’s longstanding reputation as a punching bag for fish jokes. I don’t know exactly where it all started, but it was long before the internet. Those fish jokes aren’t so funny now, are they? Also, what was the point of Amber Heard as Mera? 30 seconds of her bitching at him for no good reason?

I was also delighted by The Flash. I’d never even heard of Ezra Miller before, but he quickly became my favorite new member of the Justice League. I LIVED for those Pet Semetary references. Laughs override sex appeal sometimes. Only sometimes, though.

Somehow I missed the memo that the Big Bad was Steppenwolf – even though my nephew had asked for a Steppenwolf for Xmas, which I was unable to locate. I tend to be kind of oblivious. I was, however, disappointed by the lack of magic carpet rides.

Oh! So my son informed me that we missed an end credits scene. I thought DC wasn’t doing that??? I looked it up on YouTube, because Alcide…yuck! What the fuck is that yellow hair about? Do. Not. Want.

So, all in all, Justice League isn’t the worst DCEU film. It’s a bit better than Suicide Squad and MUCH better than Batman v. Superman. I have no desire to ever watch it again though. Glad I did not spend money on it.

Wonder Woman

I wanted to hate Wonder Woman. Everyone has unanimously loved this movie, so that ugly little bit of 20-something year old, still deep down inside of ME wanted to find something to hate about this movie. To be contrary, to be different…I couldn’t do it. Wonder Woman is every bit as thrilling and enjoyable as the general public says it is. And I’m okay with that. It took me 40+ years, but I have found peace in agreeing with the rest of the planet. I can’t even be mad about it – I’ve loved Wonder Woman for so, so long.

As a kid – I’m talking Pre-K – I idolized Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman. I lived in my Wonder Woman underoos. I got my ass in deep shit for using up the duct tape around my wrists…I needed my magic bracelets! Unless I was being Dorothy, I was being Wonder Woman. And that’s why I am so thrilled that they didn’t fuck up this movie.

And it’s not just because Batman v. Superman (and some would say Suicide Squad) suck so much. If I could somehow forget those movies ever happened and start the DC Extended Universe with Wonder Woman, it would still be a great film. I was expecting a Captain America type origin story, but I was pleasantly surprised to have my expectations shattered as Wonder Woman had more in common with Thor, than anyone else. It’s also intentional that I compare this DC movie to the Marvel ones…it’s THAT good. Until now, it’s just been a given that the DC films are inferior to the Marvel ones…but Wonder Woman proves that it’s possible for DC to put aside Zack Snyder’s insanity and spit out a good film.

I’d be remiss if I did not give proper credit to both of the women responsible. Gal Gadot, I’m so sorry I assumed you’d be a shitty Amazon. You’re not all that muscular, but you kicked ass anyway. You made this film while 5 months pregnant. It was all I could do to drive to Dairy Queen and get a Blizzard when I was 5 months pregnant. And to Patty Jenkins…the world kind of forgot about you after Monster, but I’m thinking they’ll remember now.

Chris Pine…I can’t remember, do I like him or not? I’m pretty sure I don’t have an opinion. But every time I remember that his dad was the boss on CHiPs, then I think I must like him.

Can Danny Huston be the villain in every movie, please?

So, without a hint of irony, it was not at all a waste of $30 to take my family to see Wonder Woman in the theater. It was entertaining, if a bit long. I’m looking forward to Justice League that much momoa, um, I mean more.

Oh yeah…trailer report! Blade Runner 2049 looks interesting, although unnecessary. Geostorm looks like some SyFy Channel bullshit. Another Transformers movie…this time they join King Arthur…huh? Hitman’s Bodyguard…yeah, I think I DO wanna see Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson in a buddy movie, thankyouverymuch. Atomic Blonde is the one I’m most interested in. I’ve seen the trailer before, but I’m still intrigued by the poetic violence. Oh! And Murder on the Orient Express…I read the book when I was about my son’s age, but I cannot rememberwho did it. My son got all excited about Leslie Odom, Jr. It was sooooo cute.

Suicide Squad

Since Suicide Squad debuted on HBO this past Saturday, so we had a family movie night and watched the whole thing while eating Marie Callender pot pies. Jealous?

Now my daughter wants us to dress up as the Suicide Squad for Halloween…and she wants to be Enchantress. I’m only saying no because that would mean that I would have to be Harley Quinn, and we saw enough fatties dressed as slutty clowns last Halloween.

Not that there’s anything wrong with this Harley Quinn – she was really fun to watch, although only without Joker. I was legitimately made uncomfortable by the 12 minutes or so that Joker was in the film, so I guess that means that Jared Leto did a good job, as annoying as his portrayal was. I still stand by my assertion that this Joker is not THE Joker, but merely a later Joker, possibly Robin…time will tell…

So…why did they act like Will Smith wasn’t the lead in this movie while marketing it? I mean, his performance was classic Will Smith, nothing different than he usually delivers – but he puts butts in seats, so I don’t understand why this was marketed as the Harley and Joker show, instead of the Fresh Prince of Midway City. Speaking of which, where the fuck is Midway City? Chicago, right? Why are all the locations in DC made up?

My favorite squad member was Captain Boomerang. I thought I hated Jai Courtney like I hate Miles Teller, but nope. I’m not sure if it was the mutton chops or the unicorn, but he was my favorite.

The soundtrack was absolutely on point – Ballroom Blitz, Spirit in the Sky, Bohemian Rhapsody…wait, does this movie have the same soundtrack as Wayne’s World? I listened to the whole thing on Spotify and I was impressed. I could do without the Skrillex, but the rest was pretty good, especially the Bohemian Rhapsody cover by Panic! At the Disco. That boy has pipes!

Suicide Squad was fun to watch (especially compared to the torture of watching BvS ), but the ending was a dumpster fire. I won’t get all spoiler-y here, but my main complaint was the “spinning debris ring of doom” – come on, can’t you be more creative than that? I just saw the same thing in X-Men: Apocalypse , the Fantastic Four reboot and countless recent films. Yes, a bunch of spinning, floating junk is very, very scary – but how about trying something else…like…biblical plagues? Or maybe just setting the whole planet on fire. Wouldn’t that be quicker?

I feel like all the DC movies so far have been a build up to Wonder Woman – even though the actual intention has been to be a build up to Justice League. Except for Aquaman, I can’t bring myself to be very excited about Justice League. #sorrynotsorry

Come on Wonder Woman…please don’t suck!

Batman v Superman: The Dawn of Justice

As the opening credits rolled, I couldn’t stop laughing. Maggie and Negan as Bruce Wayne’s parents was so stinking cute! My husband just rolled his eyes…he doesn’t watch The Walking Dead.

I was a bit worried that not seeing Man of Steel would be a problem as I sat down to watch Batman v Superman, but it actually kind of helped. The film starts off with the events of Man of Steel from Bruce Wayne’s point of view. “I don’t care if you saved the whole goddamn planet, Superman – you knocked down my fucking building!”

So…sit down for this…I didn’t hate Batfleck. He wasn’t Christian Bale, but he wasn’t George Clooney, either. He was fine. I was ready to lay on the hate…but he did alright. He worked out and got muscley, he didn’t do that smirky thing he usually does. He wasn’t Christian Bale, but he wasn’t George Clooney either. Now…I don’t know that he’s gonna be able to carry a whole universe of films like Robert Downey, Jr. has…but I’m not offended that he’s trying. Honestly, I was expecting to see a bit of Tony Stark’s ego in his portrayal, but all he had was mania. Was Batfleck on PCP?

Now the portrayal I DID like…Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor. I was all in for his millenial millionaire mad genius super-villain. It was interesting to watch and I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from him. But isn’t that how it always goes? Super-villains are ALWAYS more fun than the good guys. I mean, he wasn’t as iconic as Ledger’s Joker, but I enjoyed watching the evolution of his character.

As I watched the film, I was consumed to distraction by trying to figure out the geography between Metropolis and Gotham. In my mind, I had always thought them to each be analogues of New York City, but since they both exist in the same universe, that obviously isn’t the case. Lex Luthor clearly refers to Gotham as “across the river”, so does that mean that Gotham is in New Jersey? How did I not know that Gotham is likely Newark or Jersey City? Too bad it’s not Bawwwston – that would be a perfect place for Batfleck.

And what was with all the nightmares? It just came across as lazy storytelling. Actually, I felt like the whole thing was lazy storytelling, especially the ending. (MARTHA!) I think that’s the driver behind the disappointing performance of the film – the sub-par writing didn’t give us the option of critiquing the actors’ performances. Batfleck didn’t have very good material to work with in the first place, so it’s really not fair to assume he’s a bad Batman. Truly, the only character that I was interested in was Wonder Woman. (I don’t think that’s a spoiler, is it?) Her brief scenes set up the upcoming Wonder Woman origin movie, which seems similar in theme to the first Captain America.

No credits cut scenes – I get it DC, you’re doing your own thing – good for you! Instead, they incorporated their teasers for future films into the meat of the movie. I’m about to slide off the couch waiting for that Aquaman movie.

So…it’s wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t awesome. Only time will tell if DC is able to build as good a universe as Marvel has. I’ll be following the development…at home, from the comfort of my couch.