November 15, 2008

Jerry Seinfeld brings children a movie about “bee-stiality.”

Oh, come on, it was funny! Don’t you appreciate puns?

Bee Movie is one of the worst films that I have been subjected to (recently) through my children. It’s simply horrible and full of misinformation about simple ecological processes. Plants don’t just die when they are not pollinated – they won’t produce viable seeds, but they won’t wither and die. I can overlook the talking bee, the romantic relationship between a human and an insect, the Ray Liotta Brand Honey – all fantastical elements for a kids cartoon, but the least Jerry could do was go to the library, check out a book on flowers and read up on how they reproduce. Also, maybe read a book on bees? (And Mosquitoes – the male ones don’t bite, unless of course it’s a MANSQUITO.) Maybe if I hadn’t watched Green Porno like a hundred times, I wouldn’t be so offended.

Maybe if I liked Jerry Seinfeld more, I would have been able to tolerate Bee Movie. I can’t quite put me finger on it – he just bugs. (Yes, another pun!) His show did nothing for me and these days, all he does is pimp himself out for the highest bidder. Since he just got fired from Microsoft, who is he going to shill for next?

The one scene I liked was Barry calling Sting to the stand during his court case against the human race. Poor Sting was subpoenaed and taken from his home, just as he was preparing for tantric sex – damn those bees!

My son has all the Bee Movie Happy Meal toys. I am going to sneak into his room while he’s asleep and throw them all away.

DreamWorks, please go away and stop making substandard computer animated feature films for our children! There can be only one – and that’s PIXAR.


Year – 2007
Rating – PG
Runtime – 90 minutes
Genre – Computer Animation
Director(s) – Steve Hickner, Simon J. Smith
Writer(s) – Jerry Seinfeld, Spike Feresten
Actor(s) – Jerry Seinfeld, Renée Zellweger, Matthew Broderick, Patrick Warburton, Chris Rock
BOB Rating – One BOB
Favorite Quote – "Mister Sting, thank you for coming. Your name intrigues me, I must say. Where have I heard that name before?" - Barry B. Benson (Jerry Seinfeld)