March 25, 2012

I didn’t think that there could be a worse adaptation of a Dr. Seuss book than Horton Hears a Who! Oh, I was so wrong…

I don’t remember if I was in kindergarten or first grade, but I remember sitting in the music room, watching the original 70s version of The Lorax. All I remember is the trees coming down, so my distaste for this new version isn’t grounded in fond childhood memories, but rather the fact that this version didn’t invoke any feelings AT ALL. The overtly environmentalist message was so heavy handed that it would make a great drinking game – “Drink a shot every time The Lorax tries to make you feel guilty about your lifestyle.” (Only Bee Movie‘s “Save the Flowers” message was stupider.) Above all, it’s hard for me to take the film’s message seriously, as the only reason Ted wants to plant a tree is to get laid. However altruistic the end result may be, if Ted didn’t want to plant his seed in Audrey, he wouldn’t be looking for the last tree seed.

Honestly, I wish I lived in Thneedville. I would love to have plastic trees and a plastic lawn. No more allergies! When I was in college, I invented something called “The Plastic Diet.” The idea was to only eat the fakest, most processed food possible – mainly Diet Coke, Twinkies and Cheeze Whiz. I would LOVE living in Thneedville. Fuck trees.

I love Betty White…but doesn’t everyone? Grammy is what my kids call their Grandma…I don’t think she could snowboard though.

What was the point of adding O’Hare as a villain? Does Hollywood think that children are so stupid that they won’t get the point unless there is a concrete bad guy to root against? What am I saying, most adults are too stupid to support a cause unless there is a villain – see Kony 2012.

Now…about the trailers. As we walked in, the trailer for Mirror, Mirror was playing. Pass – although I love midgets, um, I mean little people, Julia Roberts just annoys me with her big horse teeth. Another Madagascar sequel is coming. I guess I should see the first two before I start complaining, but then again, I have seen enough episodes of that Penguin show on TV to know that I don’t want to see it. There’s also another Ice Age sequel coming. I have seen about half of the first one – enough to know I don’t want to see that one either. (I was amused that they used “It’s the End of the World As We Know It” in the trailer, although it wasn’t the REM version…grumble, grumble, grumble.) My grumbling stopped when the trailer for Frankenweenie started. Could this be the return of the Tim Burton I used to love? I am actually looking forward to taking the kids to see it. Then we had the trailer for some Pirate movie by those Wallace and Gromit folks. I don’t know about you, but Wallace and Gromit creep me the fuck out. Last of all was a trailer for the third stop motion animation film in a row…Para Norman. I’ve never heard of it, but it actually looks pretty good, too. Two out of six ain’t bad!

Of course my kids LOVED it. I wouldn’t have even bothered taking them if it wasn’t for a birthday party, so I guess they got lucky. I know I don’t take my kids to the movies often enough. As poor as we were growing up, my mom was always taking us to the movies. Then again, it was actually affordable to take two kids to the movies – probably seven bucks for the three of us? Now, the cheapest tickets are $5.50 each…and that doesn’t even take into account how annoying it is to have to deal with other annoying people, mostly unsupervised brats that have been dropped off. Wait, how long until I can just drop my brats off at the theater? I would never have to sit through shit like The Lorax again…


Year – 2012
Rating – PG
Runtime – 86 minutes
Genre – Dr. Seuss
Director(s) – Chris Renaud, Kyle Balda
Writer(s) – Dr. Seuss, Ken Daurio, Cinco Paul
Actor(s) – Zac Efron, Taylor Swift, Danny DeVito, Ed Helms, Betty White
BOB Rating – One BOB
Favorite Quote – "Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it's not." - The Once-ler (Ed Helms)