If I had actually watched Piranha in 3D, I would have been traumatized for life.

It’s not like I’m a pussy or something…as far as movies go, I am the complete opposite of a pussy. (Wait – is the opposite of a pussy…a dick? Am I a movie dick???) Anyway,Piranha makes Saw look like Romper Room. But that’s not the traumatizing part. If you’ve seen this movie, you know EXACTLY which scene I’m talking about. If you haven’t seen it, maybe I won’t ruin it for you. Then again, maybe I will…because I AM kind of a dick.

Elisabeth Shue is the tough, single mom sheriff – such a stereotype. Ving Rhames works for her and gets to go all Dead Alive on some piranhas with a motorboat motor. (Does that phrase sound right to you? It doesn’t sound right to me, but I don’t know how else to phrase it.) Jerry O’Connell does a pretty good impression of that Girls Gone Wild douchebag. Christopher Lloyd plays a nutty old marine biologist. There were some other semi big stars…the guy from Parks & Rec, Gabby’s husband on Desperate Housewives, the cool chick from Starship Troopers…people you would immediately recognize, but have no idea what their names are. It was a much better cast than you’d expect for a cheesy horror remake.

I’m not entirely sure if this a sequel or a remake or both…does it even matter? A sequel IS coming soon – Piranha 3DD…you know, like boobies? So clever, those filmmaker types…

I can’t hold it in any longer…a piranha eats a guy’s penis…but it gives the piranha indigestion, so he burps it back at the screen…in your face – a mangled, half chewed penis…if I had seen this in 3D, I would have simultaneously cried and laughed and peed and thrown up. If this knowledge ruins the film for you in any way, I really don’t give a fuck.