July 28, 2012

Piranhaconda may be one of the best portmanteau names for a man-eating creature (the best are Sharktopus, of course, and maybe Mansquito), but it sure as hell is NOT one of the best movies about a man-eating creature.

This movie was soooooooo boring. Michael Madsen is usually an un-boring actor, but his portrayal of a Professor hunting the elusive Hawaiian Piranhaconda was a snorefest. I gave zero fucks about WHY he was hunting for Piranhaconda eggs.

I also gave zero fucks about the movie crew and drug cartels getting eaten by the Piranhaconda. I gave zero fucks about Rod Stewart’s babymamma. I gave zero fucks about Miss USA. I gave zero fucks about Robert Blake’s son. I gave zero fucks about the porn star. I gave zero fucks about this movie…except for the theme song. At least the Piranhaconda got its own theme song.

Since I’m going to Hawaii in a few weeks…just to be on the safe side…I verified my suspicion that there are not piranhas, nor anacondas in Hawaii. I’ll be on the lookout for piranhacondas though.

I was so fucking excited after seeing the commercial. I was expecting a fucking epicly awesome bad ass movie – Piranhaconda, unfortunately, was just a fucking bad movie.

Year – 2011
Rating –
Runtime – minutes
Genre – SyFy Shit
Director(s) – Jim Wynorski
Writer(s) – J. Brad Wilke, Mike MacLean
Actor(s) – Michael Madsen, Rachel Hunter, Shandi Finnessey, Angie Savage, Noah Blake
BOB Rating – ZERO BOBs
Favorite Quote – "She played kickball with my cojones..." - Arturo (Noah Blake)