June 19, 2001

When I was in 11th grade, I was in a class, either World History or Sociology – I don’t remember which, that required me to turn in Current Events, which amounted to finding a newspaper article and writing a page on it, including who, what, when, where, why – that kind of busy work bullshit. I bought a copy of the Weekly World News and did a report on an article that said that the Vampires of the world are dying of AIDS. Seriously.

In this film, Anthony is a Vampire that is dying of AIDS. He is one of those Euro-fag Vampires, so I don’t have much sympathy for him. He was being chased by Vampire Hunter, Vanessa Helsing – haha, get it? He made the mistake of biting her, she had contracted AIDS on purpose, just to give Anthony a little surprise.

That is not the main focus of the film, however. The main focus is on Anthony’s familiar, Reed. Reeds sucks. He is a necrophiliac male nurse, hired due to his ability to easily get rid of Anthony’s victims. Of course, before he gets rid of them, he dresses them up in lingerie, takes pictures with him and bones them. It doesn’t show him boning them though. Shit. Reed (Renfield?) is creepy to watch, he has this weird leer and I spent the whole time trying to figure out if he was wearing Billy Bob teeth – I don’t think he was.

This film was very boring and tedious to watch, my boyfriend fell asleep. The cinematography and lighting was very cool though. Lots of red and blue light bulbs in the vampire’s lair.

Sucker sucks, not in a good way, but there were a few moments that made me laugh.

Year – 1998
Rating –
Runtime – 91 minutes
Genre – TROMA
Director(s) – Hans Rodionoff
Writer(s) – Hans Rodionoff
Actor(s) – Yan Birch, Alex Erkiletian, Monica Baber, P.K. Phillips, Colleen Moore
BOB Rating – Two BOBs
Favorite Quote – "The world of the living is no place for a big, dumb, unemployed stiff-humper" - Lenore (P.K. Phillips)