October 17, 2006

I haven’t seen someone killed by a big rubber cock since Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.

I admit – that was a bad joke, but then again, this is a bad movie. I’m all for killer rats – I love Willard, the original and the remake. I can even go for GIANT killer rats – also known as Rodents of Unusual Size. Giant killer wasps – scary and ugly. Giant killer maggots – creepy, but squishable. Giant killer chickens, however…are just lame. On the spectrum of dumbest idea for a killer animals, chickens rate somewhere between bunny rabbits (Night of the Lepus) and frogs (the aptly named Frogs).

The world’s oldest and scrawniest football players come across these giant killer animals while horseback riding on some island. One of them dies mysteriously, so his buddies bring his body back to the mainland. Because this is a horror movie, the other two inexplicably go back to the island to investigate, where they meet up with a pregnant couple and a man who intends to buy the “food of the gods” and use it to end world hunger. He wants to feed it to cows. I am not joking.

They never do explain what the “food of the gods” actually is. It’s assumed to be some kind of pollution run-off, but where is it coming from? The film takes place on an island and the stuff trickles down a hill into the front yard. Is there some kind of industrial plant on the other side of the island? Or is it really a gift from the gods?

I love movies that were made before peta. The special effects crew had to have drowned a hundred or so rats while making this film, not to mention the ones that they shot with red play-doh to make it look as if they were been shot with a shotgun. Not that I advocate animal cruelty or anything…I just miss the way the world was before peta. Assclowns.

Year – 1976
Rating – PG
Runtime – 88 minutes
Genre – When Animals Attack!
Director(s) – Bert I. Gordon
Writer(s) – Bert I. Gordon, H.G. Wells
Actor(s) – Marjoe Gortner, Pamela Franklin, Ida Lupino, Ralph Meeker, Jon Cypher
BOB Rating – One BOB
Favorite Quote – "My name is Morgan and I play football." - Morgan (Marjoe Gortner)